Helicopter Dance Off

Info you need!

2011-09-21T17:10:00.005-04:00

Here's the info that you need to come see us!

The Premier Theatre Co.
1100 Ocean Ave on the Boardwalk
Asbury Park, NJ

every FRIDAY: 10pm
$5 admission
All Ages.

Parking:
$2 per hr Ocean Ave
$1 per hr on 3rd, 4th, 5th Avenues
$5-10 in Lot (depending on Events)

The performing space on the Boardwalk and is the 4th Ave Pavillion between 3rd and 4th Ave. You can't miss it!

For more info visit:
HDO at Premier Theatre

Check out all the happenings and shows from Premier at:
The Premier Theatre Co.

2011-08-24T03:20:00.001-04:00

This is an ice tray with Han Solo. I know what I'll be ordering in 3...2...1....

Winehouse

2011-08-09T01:29:00.002-04:00

In honor of Amy Winehouse dying on my birthday (that's fact), I came across this wonderfully brilliant portrait done by artist Jason Mecier made entirely of various pills.

-Sean

You're welcome.

2011-04-28T03:17:00.001-04:00

You need to look at this.

http://dadsaretheoriginalhipster.tumblr.com/

-HDO

2011-04-05T14:12:00.000-04:00

every friday night.......every week........every month......every calendar year....

SEE YOU THERE.

so during the last show....

2011-02-28T15:45:00.004-05:00

while everyone was thinking about their creepy Uncle Carls, or that overweight bus driver who used to honk a horn to grab your attention in the 3rd grade, I was thinking about Carl Sagan and the 4th Dimension.

and we must, of course, ask ourselves the question, 'Where did God come from?'

or you can just come back to PREMIER OFF THE CUFF this Friday, March 4th, for all the unanswered questions you may have about life and the universe..... or Carl Sagan.

10:00

5th Avenue Pavillion

1200 Ocean Avenue

Asbury Park, NJ

don't forget your student ID's for discounted admission!

-A

Premier Theatre Co.

2011-02-26T16:02:00.005-05:00

Thank you to all the wonderful audience members for helping kick off our debut show last night in Asbury Park! Big thanks to The Premier Theatre Co. for starting what should be an ongoing Friday night series.

Premier: Off The Cuff feat. HDO
Every Friday night at 10pm
5th Ave Pavilion Ocean Ave (across from the Wonder Bar)
Asbury Park, NJ
$10, or $8 w/ valid Student ID

Check out Premier on Facebook for more news and happenings:
http://www.facebook.com/PremierTheatre

See you all soon,
HDO

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

2011-01-02T22:22:00.003-05:00

Love, HDO

Our New Years Resolutions you ask!? Come to our next show January 5th to find out!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM HDO!

2010-12-24T15:40:00.002-05:00

Helicopter Dance Off would like to wish you all a very, Merry Christmas.

and hold your heads up, because even when Aunt Mara finishes the last of the egg nog and Uncle Bobby inappropriately grazes your chest while reaching for the yams, remember that we love you and can't wait to celebrate THE NEW YEAR with you all next Wednesday, mixing great resolutions with really bad jokes.

A Proper Well-Balanced Diet

2010-10-01T02:59:00.001-04:00

Make sure you know what you are feeding your cat.

-Sean

GREETINGS FROM NEVADA!

2010-08-05T01:11:00.004-04:00

It's 1:00AM and, as usual, I am restless, exploring the soft curves of my friend named the internet. After checking facebook, twitter, several blogs and all other social networks for updates, newsfeed and notifications, I find myself casually perusing google images, like any other evening spent alone with my macbook. I tend to get a kick out of typing in bizarre combinations of words into the search bar and laughing by myself at whatever unrelated images show up. I wanted share with you all some of my favorites, starting with the trifecta of 'cat whisper cream', shown above. There is clearly no cat in the picture, nor is there any cream, or at least as far as I can tell... Although she appears as though she could be a whisperer, it comes off as a creepy knitting advertisement.

Below is what showed up for the search for 'gloved bacon retro', who knew there was even such a thing... THERE IS A GOD!

Moving on. For anyone who caught tonight's show, you witnessed a beat down between Sean and I, in what started as a Volleyball serve, and ended as getting my ass served back to me on a silver plate. Truth be told Sean is a vegetarian and, in my opinion, a peaceful monarch in search of the perfect sunflower to perch upon... He wouldn't hurt a fly, which is perhaps why the scene was incredibly funny to be in. His beat down DID however remind me of two things: how much I love volleyball, and how much I love violence. Now mix those two together and you've got an upgraded version of any WWF match. Naturally, it being 1:00AM and I being restless, put google images to the test in searching 'volleyball'... who knew there were so many different kinds? For exmaple...

There's Volleycat:

There's Volleyshark:

There's Volleyseal:

Hell! There's even Volleywhale:

...it wasn't until I was curious enough to type in 'Abusive Male Volleyball Player', where I was graced with this gift from God, that's right ladies and gents, Senator Reid, as a turkey...

Not to get all political on anyone, but Reid did numerous campaigns against domestic violence, and according to Nevada natives, hasn't done shit to support the cause, but quite frankly, it's Nevada, so who gives a shit... I did, however, find the following excerpt from a press conference with the Senator rather amusing, mostly the bolded phrase:

“Men when they’re out of work tend to become abusive,” Reid said as he argued in favor of a cloture vote on the jobs bill. “I met with some people while I was home dealing with domestic abuse. It has gotten out of hand. Why? Men don’t have jobs. Women don’t have jobs either, but women aren’t abusive, most of the time. Men, when they’re out of work, tend to become abusive. Our domestic crisis shelters in Nevada are jammed.”

That's right America.... women don't have jobs, nor are they abusive......most of the time....

That's all for now. I'm heading back to google images.

-Amylee

This is for any little girl out there who once had a dream of becoming a police dog team, and didn't... This trailer is for you.

2010-08-02T01:09:00.001-04:00

-Amylee

"Ice Cream, Officer?"

2010-07-26T22:24:00.006-04:00

My lack of driving skills and I have been pulled over 11 times.

Tonight, we made it a dozen.

As I was pulling out of the Inkwell Coffee House in Long Branch, yes, that's right folks, your favorite improv comedy venue, I developed the sudden urge for some Tasti-D-Lite. For those of you who are unaware of what this treasure is, it's downright 'skinny ice cream'. That's right, ice cream, but not really. Frozen yogurt, yet, not at all. It's delicious and conveniently located a block and a half away from Inkwell.

Anyway, after two hours of ballroom dancing and discussing how many calories are in desserts at Applebees with some fellow HDO members, Tasti-D-Lite was just what I needed, and Tasti-D-Lite was what I was going to get. As I made my way into the small shack of an ice cream haven illuminated by blue neon lights, I ordered my chocolate macaroon (I can't say ice cream, because once again, it isn't) in a waffle cone (because I eat ice cream like I'm 12) coated in rainbow sprinkles and butterfingers pieces (because one topping is never enough topping). There was something deep inside telling me that driving home while eating this gem of frozen goodness could be a challenge, though nothing I haven't done before. So my knees did the driving as I devoured what started as a cone, and at the squeeze of my left hand, crumbled into a mound of melting frozen goodness and a dozen little waffle cone pieces.

It was then I saw the lights.

At first I was convinced they were going after somebody else, because my knees are wonderful drivers, but then I realized that the cop car and I were the only two on the road. I grabbed the wheel with one chocolate covered hand and pulled over to the best of my ability. Meanwhile, my face is covered in ice cream, as is my chest, the top of my shirt, my thighs and my steering wheel. I was a mess, but you wouldn't have wasted the $5.75 Tasti-D-Lite, either. That's no bargain.

"License and registration, please." I continued to lick all parts of my left hand as my right held what was quickly becoming all liquid. It was then the officer noticed my ice cream took precedent over this whole authority situation. I explained that I had just gotten the cone a moment prior and that I could not waste the $5.75. The officer was obviously an ice-cream hating Christian, because he then instructed me to get rid of the cone (well, cone pieces). I panicked for a minute, and then went about reaching out my window to throw the cone on the ground, when the officer informed me that I would then be littering, and he would be forced to write me an additional ticket due to the paper surrounding the bottom of the cone. It was then I realized that I was bent over in front of the strong hand of the law. So I did what any hungry, foolish twenty year-old would do and I shoved all that was left of my cone into my mouth. He stood looking down at me, somewhat baffled and somewhat disapproving. I then wiped my hands on my shirt (goodbye blouse) and handed him my license, registration, insurance and chocolate covered PBA card. He disappeared for a minute, walked back, handed me my things along with a wet one and simply said 'I Love Tasti-D-Lite, clean up and have yourself a good night, now.'

So the moral of my story is, always eat Tasti-D-Lite, or at least carry a PBA card.

-Amylee (you know, that other girl)

Breaking the silence!

2010-07-17T03:31:00.003-04:00

As entertainers it can be a hard life of self-fulfillment and tons of groupies that cannot be fought off. This here is my dear friend Marlo's episode for her show where she shows the true meaning of what it is to be an entertainer. Enjoy!

-Sean

Yep...

2010-05-30T13:17:00.002-04:00

...someone thought this was a good idea to make.

-Sean

Ryan on Love

2010-05-12T22:54:00.003-04:00

So I'm sitting at work today, taking a major shit. Felt like a football.

Anyway, as I'm relaxing, thinking about this and that, the tip of my weenis is like... tapping the inside of the bowl. It's practically knocking.

So there I am, with my penis on the inside of the bowl and I'm thinking to myself "my god, this is disgusting! Thank god nobody has to put their mouth on this -"

Oh.
Wait.

So now I'm thinking, "My god, how many people have had toilet bowl weiner INSIDE their mouth?" Then I'm thinking to myself, "what about the instances where someone has left...ya know...TRACKS"

I work with 45 people. 45 PEOPLE HAVE SHIT IN THAT TOILET! So my penis is touching the communal toilet and I KNOW we don't clean it. Even thought we're supposed to every wednesday and saturday. nobody goes NEAR that thing!

So, as I'm finishing up, I'm laughing. I am laughing on the toilet with my pants around my ankles, because I am thinking what a mean trick this would be to play on some whore who wants a penis in her mouth. And she wouldn't know. Especially if it was a trick.

So next time, whore, you put a ween in your mouth - say, AT A PARTY - just remember that the tip of that ween was probably scraping the inside of the toilet bowl. And now it's in your mouth.

Good luck, whore. Hope he calls tomorrow.

It's a Doggy Dog World

2010-05-12T11:30:00.009-04:00

So, working in Asbury Park gives me the opportunity to watch a wide variety of people walk by. And one trend that I've come to notice is that a lot of people own dogs. But the strange thing about this is that many of them LOOK like their dogs. Now I've never understood this, as I look nothing like my dog (he's black and I'm obviously Korean), but it really is a true occurrence. Here are some examples:

But the only thing better than people who look like dogs, are people who look like cats:

KITLER!!!!

Meow!

-Lizzie

Check This Out

2010-05-11T21:24:00.002-04:00

My very good friend Erik X. Raj has released his very own Children's Book entitled, "One Seashell, Two Seashell, Flap, Flap, Flap." Erik is an accomplished Speech-Pathologist that is spreading his message of positivity in working hard to meet your goals.

I know this is a comedy blog, but let's take a slight step away from that and look at the creative minds that are at work. Art is about expression. To fully appreciate art whether it is Keith acting as Dracula on stage while Lizzie is a Werewolf just outside of Six Flags, the same art of Erik's book expressed some great messages while having fun at the same time.

"One Seashell, Two Seashell, Flap, Flap, Flap" by Erik X. Raj from erikxraj on Vimeo.

If you would like to purchase this influential book you can check out Erik's site at http://www.erikxraj.com/store

Hopefully this will inspire you to do great things.

Your pal,
Sean

Billy Goes Old School

2010-05-06T09:26:00.002-04:00

Like most kids in 1997, I owned a Nintendo 64 and my life revolved around Goldeneye 007 multiplayer. If you were not a kid like me, I'm sorry you didn't have a true childhood. Clearly, the folks at CollegeHumor DID have a childhood, and have allowed us this stroll down memory lane.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

My love of Minivans

2010-05-06T02:25:00.002-04:00

Toyota has a great new marketing scheme to promote their new Sienna minivans to the likes that has never been seen!

I know I'm starting to think of ditching the latest vehicle I'm driving to hop into one of these bad boys really soon. I can always a lease a family to go with it, I'm not worried.

-Sean

Pictures Say A Thousand Words

2010-05-04T01:37:00.003-04:00

This was taken at a Brookdale performance we did a couple of months back. Lizzie is to the right with the fine boots and Amylee's head is cut off in this picture so she's just some plaid with legs.

-Sean

Do They Really?

2010-04-29T01:17:00.001-04:00

Well?

-Sean

Jimmy Jammzz!

2010-04-26T01:30:00.002-04:00

For all of the youngsters who always needed the right set of "How To" videos to teach them how to draw, look no further. Jimmy Jammzz teaches you all there is to know about drawing everything from hands, majestic horses and kitty cats!

You can check out the Jimmy Jammzz blog at: http://superexpertsusa.blogspot.com

Get drawing!

-Sean

What else can you find on the internet!?!?!

2010-04-21T02:32:00.002-04:00

The internet is full of crazy, outlandish, weird, and pointless sites for the everyday user. The only challenge to this is actually finding these gems on the interwebs. Here is one of those sites that you would never actually find, or look at, until someone "linked" you.

Ever want to see what a baby holding their parent looked like. Look no further than to http://ManBabies.com!!!!

I have included a couple of my favorite Man Babies.

GET MORE AT ManBabies.com!

I hope you all enjoyed that.

-Sean

Billy vs. The Missed Opportunity

2010-04-19T23:24:00.002-04:00

Yes boys and girls, I'm back. It's been a while. I know I've missed you, and I can only imagine just how much you've missed me, so let's just jump right in shall we?

I used to go on Craigslist years ago, looking for work around the area. It always seemed like a good tool to use for people get in touch with people. I got a job on a film set from Craigslist, one of the best months of my life. I owe a lot to that site now that I think about, but the positives of the page are not what I'm looking to focus on right now.

I think the idea of the personal ad section MISSED OPPORTUNITIES is a pretty cool one when taken at face value. You have a fleeting moment with someone at a mall, in a bar, on the beach, anywhere really. Circumstances come up, you can't get in touch with the person. You don't have a name and you don't have a phone number. You only have the memories. What can you do?? You can't do Facebook unless you want to go through thousands of names hoping to find your glorious needle in a haystack. Craigslist comes up with the solution. MISSED OPPORTUNITIES. There are some legit ones in there that are kinda cool to read, and kinda sad. People trying to cling to a moment they had with someone. It's such a damn longshot but people need to do what they can, and I can respect that. BUT, sometimes, comedy strikes. And comedy has struck my friends. Closer than I ever imagined.

So I'm browsing the Missed Connections page earlier today and I see one that has a town listed that's near me. That almost never happens, so it caught my eye. Then I realized that it's about an OPPORTUNITY that took place at my gym. I could only imagine what it was. Maybe I even knew the people involved! Maybe I could piece together this mystery. I had to check it out. Here is what it read:

I didn't want to stop working out because I was enjoying watching you do push ups right in front of me today. Great butt by the way! Too bad you left before I could thank you for the motivating view.

That was it.

So let me get this straight. Here's this woman at the gym, going about her daily routine. She sees this guy working out in front of her. The guy is built and she can't help but notice him. I've seen plenty of creepy people staring at the gym. They all think they're subtle, but they're not. It also doesn't help that you're staring while sweating and panting for breath, but yes, the girls can tell I would imagine, unless they're 100% oblivious or straight up blind. So this woman is checking a GUY out, is really impressed, sees the guy leaving, and decides to write about her missed opportunity on Craigslist instead of actually letting the guy know. Clearly this guy isn't going to know about this event. It wasn't a missed opportunity for him as far as he knows; he was just going about his business getting checked out by girls at the gym. He probably has a firm grasp on his opportunities while this woman is looking to get a firm grasp of something else. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?? So, I guess my only question would be:

Why didn't she say hello? I'm really quite personable.

Which is worse? Karaoke or Lip Syncing?

2010-04-19T02:25:00.002-04:00

This is the age old question that has been pondered over by the greatest progressive thinkers. Which do you hate more, karaoke or lip syncing? You be the judge, my pets.

My answer, they're both just as bad. Two thumbs down.

-Sean

Ryan, An Easter Memory

2010-04-12T15:56:00.002-04:00

Yes, yes, I know that Easter has already passed, but at the Barry household, we're still remembering zombie Jesus and our Easter baskets are still out, so technically, this counts.

Easter is always an odd holiday because we eat so early in our house. That means we get up earlier than normal to help with the chores and whatever, and it's a lot of waiting for everyone to get there. So ultimately, the day drags on forever and by 4, you feel like you've already done a full day's work.

Anyway, it's always the same set up with us. Put the dogs away, put out the snacks, talk to each other for a few minutes, and then just kind of stare until dinner. And even when that comes around, it's more silence for the most part. Then, my sister will get up and start cleaning the dishes and all the everyone will help separate everything into individual doggie bags for the guests. Everyone really lends a hand.

Well, I hate touching other people's food. I think it's really gross and I can't dwell on it for too long, otherwise I may gag. I also don't like looking at messy plates. It's just...slop. Barf.

So, with this in mind, a few years ago, we were all done eating and my brother and I went into our room and were playing video games. We were done before everyone else and we could hear what was going on. Then we heard the clinking of plates and the rounding up of silver wear. They started to clean.

"Get the boys to help" I heard my mother say. My little brother had heard it too, and he looked right at me. Without speaing, he threw his controller onto the bed, jumped off his bed, and slid under his bed. I immediately followed, tucking myself far enough in so that the bed spread and darkness would hide me. I could see Tim across the room, pinning himself against the far wall. This was great! They would never find us in here, and by the time they did, all the dishes would be done and the kitchen would be spotless. Just in time for dessert!

So I could see the footsteps enter my room, spin around and exit. It worked. We waited a few more minutes, and we could hear them talking in the kitchen about us. "Where are the boys?"

"I thought they were in there room!"

"Call their cellphones!"

Luckily, T-Mobile sucks and I get no recpetion in my house. Especially UNDER MY BED. So I see a few more pairs of feet enter, pace around, and exit.

"Check outside for the boys!" Uh-oh. They're getting worried. Minutes passed, and rather than come out, revealing my great hiding spot, I took a nap. I guess Timmy did too because he was awfully quiet. We were like vampires in coffins, hiding right under their noses.

After I woke up, I consulted my phone to see that some time had passed, and I missed 14 phone calls and 5 text messages. Wow, they must really be worried, I figured.

"Tim?" I said in a whisper. Across the floor, under the bed but covered in darkness, my brother replied "yeah?"

"You think dessert's ready?"

Tim poked his head out, like a turtle. We emerged, the light hurting our eyes. So we walked out together, and everyone turned to look at us.

"Where were you?! We called you!"

"We...hid under our beds". I could feel them staring at us, judging. All I could hear them thinking was "But...he's 21. Why - why would he hide under his bed?" But they laughed it off and said nothing else. So I walked over and grabbed myself a brownie, not caring what they thought of me.

As the night went on, I could only think about the following Easter, and what if everyone caught on to my brother's great idea. All i could picture was Aunt Rose and Uncle George under my parents bed. My mother would walk in, bend down and offer them a slice of pie to which they would say "No thank you, dear, we're full. But we'd love a cup of coffee".

Check It Out

2010-04-09T02:12:00.002-04:00

You should check out my good friend Marlo's webisodes on http://www.youtube.com/marlomeekinz. Below are two episodes for your enjoyment.

-Sean

Billy vs. The Drunks

2010-03-31T21:46:00.002-04:00

When I was in college and really started drinking, I was about as far away from a beer snob as you could be. That choice didn't come from any attempt to be normal and avoid being a douche; it just so happened that cheap beer lots of people frown upon were around $11 a 30 pack. For a college student with no job, that deal sounds like heaven, and it was. So, for two years of college, I drank mostly cheap stuff. Busch, Coors, Miller, etc. Now, don't get me wrong. These beers definitely have their qualities. They're light, and taste decent, and for $11 a 30 pack, they fueled beer pong games for months on end, and I didn't know any better.

Once I left school, and started getting introduced to different beers of different flavors and seasons, I realized there was quite the world out there to satisfy my growing alcoholism. (NOTE: America is frickin great.) Pretty soon, unless there was a drinking game that required a beer that went through you like water, I went for different beers, and I'm not gonna bore you with names. If you know me, you know what they are, and if you don't you're probably so disgusted by my shameless drinking problem that you've switched blogs by now. I don't blame you.

A few years back, we discovered the mecca for our drinking, and it's the Atlantic City Beerfest. And it is just what it sounds like. They essentially rent out an airplane hangar, and fill it to the brim with different beers. They give you a little glass, and let you loose. Imagine there was a BaconFest. There's gotta be, right? Anyway, we've made it a trip every year and it becomes one of my annual highlights, and it's amazing how many drunks they can cram in one place. This year, we got to our session early and made a remarkable and terrifying discovery. The afternoon session was being let out, and have you ever wondered what it sounds like when 3,000 drunks people are let loose into the street at the same time? It's literally a zombie apocalypse. People moaning, screaming, stumbling, falling, attacking, laughing. I knew what it was like to be on THAT side of it, but I had never been on the sober side. A normal person would see it and decide they had more dignity. Luckily that didn't happen. I went in, as did my friends, and we drank for four hours, and we tried to act classy and sophisticated, but by the end we were just like the slobs we saw in the afternoon. Pretty sure that's what you call the circle of life.

Anyway, I guess the moral of my story is that beer is great and everyone should drink it in large groups. Tell your parents HDO said so.

Ryan and the Sound of Music

2010-03-26T21:50:00.002-04:00

It was roughly 7 a.m. when the thought hit me. It's early, I know, but some of my ideas come when I least expect them, like uninvited guests to one of my dress up parties.

I was working in the store with two teenage boys, and for some odd reason, we had decided to stick to our own iPods. We worked to our own beat, not talking to one another. As I checked the presentations in the front room, a disturbing thought occurred to me. "If a murderer came in here RIGHT NOW, held a gun to my head and said "switch iPods or I'll kill you!"...would I be willing? Because, you see, at this point in time, 7:00 am, Madonna was blasting in my ears. How embarrassing, I thought.

But then I began to wonder what THEY were listening to. Something cool, I bet. Or maybe not. Probably just stuff they hear on the radio. I've got some good stuff on mine, stuff they've probably never heard. So I stopped working and began to scroll through my playlist. "Come on, find something good. Something WORTHY!"

And then it hit me. I have horrible taste in music. I don't like a certain type of music, I accept tunes from all walks of life. But because I accept ANYTHING, I clearly have no standards. So, I've decided to bare my soul, and list for you my most embarrassing tracks.

The X-Men Cartoon Theme song. Weird. But fucking awesome.
Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" (three times) because once isn't enough.
The "Angel" Theme song. It...it was a gift?
"Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson. I hate her so this baffles me.
An entire Blue Man Group cd. (...)
Works by Christopher Beck...aka "fight songs from Buffy the Vampire Slayer". If the zombie apocalypse happens, I know what tracks I'll be playing!
Clay Aiken's Christmas album. Because everyone loves a lesbian christmas.
Enya's "Only Time".
Hannah Montana. i actually ASKED my twelve year old cousin for this cd, only to discover that it was a double disc! BONUS!
"Jennifer Lopaz"...because Jennier Lopez is too classy
Oh, hey! Kenny Loggins. I knew I could count on him to make an appearance!
La Bouche's "wanna be my lover". An oldie but a goodie. No matter how you argue it.
Matthew Hall and Meagan Moore. You may know their deut from "The Polar Express". I saw that movie with my english professor in my sophomore year of college. It has sentimental value, assholes!
Menudo. the NEW menudo. not even the old one! (cries)
Moulin Rouge. I think I downloaded this when I was drunk. Yeah...drunk. really drunk.
Newsies. Christian Bale's got the pipes, son!
O-Town "Liquid Dreams" because that's what i get when I listen to it.
Susan Boyle's cover of Wild Horses. She's ugly but I want her to be filthy rich.
Vitamin C's "Graduation Song". I can explain...
Remember the fake mtv band, 2Gether? If you don't, I have all their cds! My older brother gave them to me. (because I asked for them)
"Pippin's Song" From Lord of the Rings.
And finally...the Wicked soundtrack. because I love being a stereotype.

NOW JOT DOWN YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING TRACKS! Then take them out of your iPod, and bury them in the backyard.

Lizzie's Hardcore Moment of the Week: Never Drink and Squeak

2010-03-24T16:18:00.002-04:00

It's 10pm...do you know where your beer is?

Just last night, in Palmerston, Australia at around 2:30am, a man committed the horrible act of breaking into a house and stealing all the alcohol from the fridge! He did not take anything else in the house, but instead went for the most valuable items the inhabitants owned: a six-pack of beer, and two bottles of wine.

This quick thinking burglar knew he could not hold all the items by himself to make a quick getaway, so he decided to use their wheelie bin to help him make a smooth exit.

Unfortunately, this particular bin was particularly and insanely loud and squeaky. This instantly woke the homeowners who then called the police.

Although the victims never got a look at the burglar, it was pretty easy to give the cops an accurate description: he's the creepy guy walking down the road at 2:30am with a wheelie bin as loud as two birds getting fisted.

He was found pretty soon after just one block away. One less monster walking those fine Australian streets.

God Bless America.

Charity Event

2010-03-23T22:25:00.002-04:00

We will be performing at a charity event benefiting the Ronald McDonald House on Sunday, April 18th at the The Cullen Center in Hazlet, NJ. All proceeds will help those in need, so come join us for a wonderful night of laughs, food, and music.

You can buy tickets in person at our shows every Wednesday night at the Inkwell in Long Branch. Doors open 8:30. Show starts at 9pm.

Recap:
Sunday, April 18, 2010
6pm-10pm

The Cullen Center
1776 Union Ave
Hazlet, NJ

Tickets:
$15 minimum donation.

You can find any additional information by clicking the link below.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/event.php?eid=378215265072

-HDO

Ryan and the Prank

2010-03-14T13:46:00.003-04:00

Some aspects of this story are tweaked because apparently some people have "feelings". Now, knowing that, eat it up, kids.

I was a tour guide at La Salle University for 2 and a half years, and because of this, my social circle grew threefold! not only did I make friends with the current student staff, I became friends with the "adult" staff and the incoming freshman who were on my tours. I often met several people who would come up to me and say "You were my tour guide! I came here because of you!" It was a great honor and I truly hoped that they would love the school as much as I did.

However, as most social circles go, personalities will match, clash, or never even take off. In the case of Samantha, a cheery, baby voiced, speech pathology major, my blood would sometimes boil around her. She walked almost as if she was skipping and I cannot recall how many times I wanted to push her down on the concrete. She was very sweet, but to a fault, almost believing it all to be an act. "How can anyone be THAT chipper?" As she sat at the computer, avoiding work while everyone did something, I imagined what it would be like to walk up to her and punch her in the side of the head. I pictured a metal plate over her temporal lobe. "She's a robot!", I would scream. "I knew it! She's a robot!"

As the year progressed, and the work died down, everyone became focused on graduating and spending their last few weeks in great spirits. As I watched the seniors prepare to take off, the underclassmen were needed more- and we were spread thin. One friday, it was completely dead and a few of us were hanging around. As Samantha played on facebook, I decided it was time to see how happy she would be if someone played a prank on her. I wanted her mad. I wanted her furious. I wanted her to be the angry robot I knew her to be.

So i took her phone when she wasn't paying attention and took my number out of it. I then texted her this message. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!". Now it was time to play it cool. When she came back, and looked at her phone, I was dying on the inside. "Oh my god...OH MY GOD! Look at this!" Samantha showed me her phone and I played dumb.

"Who would write that to you?! You're so sweet!" She got up, paced a little, and wracked her brain as I watched. At this very moment, my soul was being fed by her pain. I grew stronger! So I watched, and I watched, and I watched as she went up to everyone. Shock fell over their faces. "Samantha! It's gotta be a joke!" And a good one, at that.

A little time had passed that day, and people began to clock out one by one until there was only a handful of us left. Samantha returned to the break room and she was still so perplexed. We didn't talk for a while, which was fine by me, until I could tell that she was really suffering. It began to get sad and I felt for her, she didn't really deserve this. Samantha got up and took the seat next to mine. I thought this odd.

"I think I know who texted me". She had figured it out. And how do you apologize for something like that? Especially after letting it go on for so long.

"You...do?"

"I can only think of one person. Promise not to tell anybody?"

"Samantha, I would never do that". HA! She leaned in, and I listened as she whispered.

"I had a lesbian experience two months ago..." My mouth dropped. I think my testicles dropped. "And after I broke it off, she turned into this...this psycho!" My head cocked like a confused dog.

"WHAT?!" This had turned into something bigger than any prank and I was a part of it. It was like the gods were looking down on me and saying "Yes, you deserve this". I could not WAIT to tell everybody. I was anxious as a child and I was on the verge of peeing myself. However, after her "big gay reveal", it was only a little bit before she actually figured out it was me. I believe she greeted me with a middle finger. Which, to say the least, is what I probably deserved.

But...LEZ be honest...did she really think I wouldn't tell anybody? It's like the time my friend Felicia told us that her grandparents were related and she was practically an inbred. (truth)

...oops...

The humor of Church Signs

2010-03-11T18:04:00.005-05:00

Every time that I pass a church in my local area, I always keep an eye out for the crazy, trying to be pun-tacular or funny in a Christian way, church sign. There are plenty of these funny signs all over the place, even one one road probably named Church Rd, will be multiple churches displaying their competitive signs with messages of the Lord. So let's take a look at some those wacky Church Signs.

This is a classic one. It sets the standards for all Church Signs.

Now, we're getting a little dirty but we're still keeping the faith.

Ok, this one is a little out there, but this message is correct. He is the father of that church.

The Church seems to be getting a little more graphic with their message. I guess the theme of threatening people has always been a Christian tradition.

Last but not least, all of the popular zombie culture is spilling over in the Church Sign Territory. My dream has finally come true!

So there we are ladies and gentleman, funny messages from the man upstairs or the sign guy downstairs waiting for the next week to change the Church Sign. Till next week this is Reverend Sean saying good day and goodnight to you all. May the next time you see a church with a block lettered sign out front, I hope you take a quick glance and read their message.

Sincerely yours,
Sean

Ryan's #5 Favorite Moment

2010-03-07T20:31:00.005-05:00

This is completely true. COMPLETELY.

It was almost 7 or 8 years ago, (I can't really remember), when I went to Celia W's cast party. We just "wrapped up" one of the summer shows in Thompson Park. To me, it was never about the musicals or "sharpening my craft". It was just a place where I could have fun and touch a lot of breasts. I mean a LOT. It was a community theater that acted as a second home, if not a first one.

This theater always recycled the same adult actors for the parts and just put most of the teenagers in the background. Even sometimes the people who didn't get a call back showed up for rehearsals. We weren't athletes or popular, we weren't really anything promising at all. To an outsider, we were odd balls. But it never did matter much what others thought. We were too busy putting on makeup and dancing around in costumes.

At that point in my life, I had not drank alcohol. I thought it was dumb. I remember seeing my sister and brother drunk one time and I thought it was obnoxious. Plus it spooked me. However, it wad the summer before college and I figured I might as well give it a go.

That night, as Lesbian Celia tried to kiss Straight Kate, my friend Krystal and I retired to the bathroom to have a "secret vodka party". This party meant that we would sit on a toilet and do shots of vodka, make disgusting faces, and laugh. She and I were the only ones invited. Apparently it was too difficult for many to get the criteria down.

An hour later, we needed to pee and were forced to use the downstairs bathroom. I went first, and then waited for Krystal as I smoked one of Celia's grandmother's cigarettes in the kitchen. As i waited, I could hear a faint noise, a moan? Like someone in pain...

Krystal got out of the bathroom, and as we started to walk up the stairs, the sound became more clear. "Help me!" At the edge of the stairs, around the corner, was a room. the lights were turned off, but the tv was on. The blue light was cast onto a hospital bed, with white sheets and a guard rail. There was also a metal triangle hanging over the pillow - a pull bar. On the bed, was a legless man.

Celia's grandmother was in the corner, moving the bedsheets off the bed, and she looked to Krystal and I. "Would you help me move my husband?" I looked to the old man, dressed in his hospital gown. "Where the fuck ARE WE?!" I thought to myself. Now, remember, I had only drank ONCE before this, so I was....tripping balls.

So here we are, in a small, dark room, with a legless man in the middle of a hospital bed, and we're being asked to assist him. I was in my very own scene from "Misery".

"Okay..." I said, not really sure if I could.

"You're gonna have to get behind him, and pull him up". I was up for the challenge, but Krystal could only watch in hopes of not getting in the way. The old man grabbed the pull bar/metal triangle. His fists tightened, ready for action as I wrapped my arms under his arms and around his chest. The grandmother and Krystal watched.

"Ready? One, two, three".

I pulled, he pulled, and Krystal continued to watch. Moving him was easy. You can guess why. If you can't, I'lll remind you that half of him was missing. So he got to the top of his bed, and placed his back on his pillow. I was happy to help. He was happy to be back to his sitting position. And then I heard a scream.

Krystal covered her mouth, but her eyes were frozen. And I looked down to see what i will always refer to as "the horror". Not only did celia forget to mention that she had half of a mystery guest at her party, she also believed he didn't deserve underwear. Through the folds of the sheets, an elderly penis poked through, like a bottle nosed dolphin in the turbulent sea.

It took seconds to erupt into laughter, which quickly escalated into tears of joy. What gift we had been given. What a gift.

And,,,with that being said, I had experienced my favorite drunk moment on my second try, something not many people get to do. To try and beat that would be pointless, although it doesn't mean I've let up with boozing.I recall that moment less and less, but when I do, it's exactly the same. Fucking awesome.

School Daze

2010-03-04T18:14:00.000-05:00

As I am writing this entry, I am sitting in my school’s library taking up valuable space on a computer that another student could be using to help with their education. In celebration of this remarkable event that I am withholding for my own benefit, and your eyes, I will type up a list of phrases. These phrases will hopefully catch the eye a few students looking for a computer, or sitting near me glancing over my shoulder, or passing by me for whatever reason will see and automatically give them the “WTF?” moment. This in turn will make me seem like I’m wasting time and that I’m psycho.

KEEP IT MOVING FOUR EYES!

YOU WOULD LOOK GREAT IN A STEW, WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?

WISH YOU WERE HERE?

IF THERE’S TIME TO LEAN, THERE’S TO CLEAN.

YOU AREN’T GOING TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING IN LIFE, JUST QUIT.

WILL YOU MIND YOUR OWN FUCKIN' BUSINESS.

CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY DOING NOTHING WHILE YOU’RE TRYING TO WORK.

YOUR MOTHER SUCKS DICKS IN HELL!!!

So there we are, a few ramblings that hopefully a few people read and might remember when they are going to their next class wondering exactly why I’m typing this up on a Microsoft Word Document. Maybe, they’re on their way to notify the librarian at the front desk that I’m abusing my privileges on the school computers. Either way, I’M A PAYING STUDENT AND I DEMAND RESPECT.

-SEAN!

Lizzie's "Get to Know HDO"

2010-03-03T13:45:00.002-05:00

Every other week, I ask the group one question in order to help you folks learn a little bit more about us as individuals. I ask deep, personal questions that strike hard at the depths of our souls, and reveal our most treasured secrets. Today's question:

If you were on a deserted island, what would you want to bring with you?

Keith: "I would want to bring one of my students. Because the youth of America is important...and because everyone will be more likely to go on a massive search to find him, rather than me."

Billy: "Well I would have to say that I'd hafta bring all my seasons of LOST. That way I could study it and be prepared for anything that may attack me on an island, like black smoke. Gotta love the power of DVDs...wait, there would be no DVD player on the island would there...shit."

Sean: "My good ole friend Captain Morgan. Because when I realize I will never leave the island, I'll finally want a little bit of Captain in me."

Ryan: "My subscription to Venus Magazine, and a tub of vaseline."

Me: "Gas-X....lots of it."

Billy vs. Movie Theaters The Squeakuel

2010-03-02T00:19:00.000-05:00

That's right, I'm back again with a fresh tale of movie theater horror. I had been on a good streak for a while, and now that time has come to a drastic and dramatic halt. I went to my local theater on Sunday to check out COP OUT(eh) and our theater really didn't seem all that packed. Most Americans were watching the most exciting hockey gold medal game since Team USA faced off against Iceland at the Junior Goodwill Games. Oh memories...

Anyway, as we sat waiting for the movie to start, I began to notice more and more families coming in with little kids. Did they not get what kind of movie this was? This was a Hard R cop movie with lots of cursing and blood and shooting. Do they just think Tracy Morgan is a funny guy that can act as a babysitter? Or these people communists and just have no interest in doing something patriotic? What was their deal? I was filled with dread, knowing these obnoxious kids would likely ruin my film experience. And they didn't at all. I owe them all an apology. Who I don't owe an apology to? The old woman sitting right behind me.

You know how when you're a kid, and you....I'm sorry, you know how when you're any sane person with a brain, and you know that fart jokes are funny? And you giggle at them? And at any silly dirty joke? When you sit in your 20's, don't you assume that one day you won't laugh as much at them, even though you wished you really would? Well, on Sunday I made a joyous discovery. Older people STILL laugh at stupid dirty jokes. The woman behind us, who I saw afterwards was in her 50's, and pint size and Korean, laughed at any line said in the movie. Even the setup lines. Anything, she let out a long lingering laugh. It started as an annoyance but by the end I couldn't help but laugh at how insane she sounded. Especially when every laugh ended with her choking on her popcorn. If only...

I'm glad she enjoyed herself though. She seemed eccentric and lonely, so I'm glad Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis could keep her entertained for a few hours. Now if only she would stop farting and start taking smaller bites.

Keith's Top Seven Of The Week "Sparkly Things" Adult ADD is serious buisness.

2010-03-01T06:35:00.006-05:00

I suffer from Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and I wrote this list to help out those who suffer like me. Here are seven bedazzled items that you should keep out of your field of vision when you are operating heavy machinery, delicate surgery or juggling fine china.

7) Jeans

6) Shoes

5) Michael Jackson's glove

4) Ryan's lunch

3) The fearless leader
2) Billy's special time camera

1) vaginas

If you liked what you saw in number one check out this website and then send your pics to Lizzie.

http://www.theluxuryspot.com/2010/02/23/i-got-vajazzled-and-had-a-camera-crew/

Sean's Cake Disasters of the Fifth Kind

2010-02-18T03:45:00.001-05:00

Everyone loves cake, have it, eat it too. Since any supermarket is always looking for cheap, replaceable help all the time, there can be some overlooked cake designs that are hitting the baker's racks. There could also be a cake master that is just trying to get away with far too much. Here are some poor designs of cakes that prove themselves as....poor designs.

Nothing hits the spot like shitting butterflies leaving their end trails.

This is Billy's cake: Blood and Shit with buttercream frosting.

Last but not least, pregnant Marge Simpson with a nub for a missing hand and a word of advice. Always use protection, or abstinence, so you never have the chance of receiving a cake like this due to your biggest mistake.

-Sean

Lizzie's Hardcore Moment of the Week: I'm Not Dead Yet

2010-02-17T15:04:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, I Columbian woman by the name of Noelia Serna was pronounced dead from a heart attack. She was sent to the funeral home for embalming, but just as she was about to be injected with embalming fluid into her seemingly non coursing veins, her right arm began to move!

This is yet another classic case of "not dead yet" syndrome. Taken from the book of Python, "not dead yet" is derived from the final words of a man who is nearly dead and about to be taken away. And though these new cases of "not dead yet" may not shout it from the rooftops, they sure as hell do get the point across with their energetic bodily twitches.

Take for instance another case. June Burchell of Sussex was pronounced dead three times, waking up twice in the morgue. Trust me, waking up in a morgue is in no way the same as coming to from a blackout after a night of binge drinking. That is, unless you blackout in a morgue.

Thankfully, advancements in research are being made to treat "not dead yet" syndrome. A scientist by the name of Miracle Max is working on a pill that he feels may cure people who he refers to as "mostly dead".

Let us hope this will be the end of freaking people out at funerals. Only time will tell...

Billy vs. Trends

2010-02-16T13:08:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm generally behind on the times when it comes to what's popular. I don't listen to much current music beyond a few bands I really enjoy, and I don't have much of a fashion sense. I have jeans, t-shirts, and button down shirts. That's essentially it, and I'm okay with that. What I think I am usually keeping in touch with is the internet, because I'm essentially on it for 8 hours every day at work, and I tend to live on my computer. I wish I was not so dependent on it, but that's just how it is. SO, when random fads and trends and recurring jokes pop up on the internet, I tend to see them in all stages. The discovery, the laughter, the joy, the excitement and fun of it. Then, I watch as it gets used too much, and gets put into too many different scenarios until eventually the only place you see it is when it's being used ironically, like, "Oh man, remember THAT? Boy we were losers." That's just the way of the internet, and I guess the way of the world.

The newest trend, that I thought was just insanely stupid is a series of groups that I see popping up on Facebook. Apparently now there needs to be a group for every possible human emotion, thought, action and occurance. It's insane. Some honest example I have seen:

"Hanging out at night."

"Flinching in bed because you had a dream you were falling."

"That S thing everyone drew in school."

"Drinking"

"Sleeping"

"Saying something and then realizing you meant to say something else"

"Fat girls wearing skinny girls clothes"

"Being outside"

"Being inside"

"Eating pizza with friends"

"Looking down at my phone"

If you need to connect with other people that have cell phones and like being outside and eating food, I think the problem is that you're still on Facebook. Go outside. LIVE.

But thanks for staying in to read this blog.

triCity News article

2010-02-16T00:45:00.004-05:00

Hey Everyone,

HDO is featured in the current triCity News paper based out of Asbury Park, NJ. Here is the scanned equivalent of the article for your eyes on here. Below, is the typed out content of the article, so you don't have to squint so much to read it. Thank you to Steven at triCity and to our good friend Simon Yuen for his photography skills.

PICKS for the WEEK ahead
Tri>These

Every Wednesday night
Doors @ 8:30///Showtime 9pm//
in Long Branch

Humpdays are a lot more fun this winter, thanks to the Inkwell and Helicopter Dance Off (pictured above). The legendary coffeehouse in West End has been hosting the comedy troupe every week for awhile, and though we haven't caught the act yet we did catch up with Helicopter Dance member Sean Favre, who sent us the following:

"Helicopter Dance Off is a long-form improv and sketch comedy troupe based out of Long Branch. We have been performing as a troupe for over a year at various places in the area. We have done shows at Monmouth University, Brookdale, and having hosted a Film Festival in Asbury Park. We have also been trained in long form improvisation at the UCB Theatre in New York City. This March 2010 will mark our one year anniversary at the Inkwell.

"Our shows are entirely made up on the spot based off a suggestion from the audience. We like to mix up the types of games we do every week. In addition to performing long form improv during the show, which consists of a rapid amount of different but connected scenes in the span of a half hour, we also perform short form games much like the ones found on the show Whose Line Is It Anyway?. A fan favorite short form game is Party Quirks, where one troupe member leaves the room and then has to host a party trying to figure out his or her guests, which are given their quirks from audience suggestions.

"We perform a free show every Wednesday night at the Inkwell. Door open at 8:30pm and show starts at 9pm. You can find more info about us at www.helicopterdanceoff.com. You can check our daily updated blog on that address, where each troupe member writes his or her own humorous entry. There are also links to our Facebook, Funny or Die sketch comedy page, and Myspace."

Sean also told triCity that Helicopter Dance Off keeps the improv fresh by building monthly shows around a holiday. In December they did specialty shows that were themed around Hanukah, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. Of course, February means Valentine's Day, and March means St. Patrick's Day. "If we run out of major holidays in one month we may have to use the superlative holidays such as Arbor Day or Flag Day to fill that void, " he continues.

The troupe members include Sean Favre, Billy Coyle, Keith Laviola, Ryan Barry, Lizzie Spellman, and Jay Letchko. They like to create a friendly environment, suitable for anyone high school age up to young adults and beyond. Which should satisfy every triCity consituincy.

Again, performances of Helicopter Dance Off take place every Wednesday night at the Inkwell (665 2nd Avenue, Long Branch; 732-483-0444). Grab your table around 8:30; show start time is 9pm.

Keith's Valentine's Day Card Haiku

2010-02-15T17:57:00.003-05:00

Hey, Roses are red

So is your special place girl

Valentine's Day, barf.

Ryan wanted to know what happened to Billy's Mom on Valentine's day...

HDO vs. The Feud

2010-02-14T14:28:00.002-05:00

The crowd is roaring with anticipation. Here I was, on Family Feud. I was in the final round, and I needed to get 70 points to get the grand prize of $10,000. All eyes were on me, and I really knew this was my time to shine. The questions started coming, and I started to completely blank on EVERYTHING. I don't have answers to ANY questions.

"What are popular foods served on Thanksgiving?"

"Popular summer vacation destination?"

"What is the most popular household pet?"

I DON'T KNOW!!! I just don't know!!

"Hot dogs?"

"Trenton?"

"Cougars?"

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG!!

I am completely blanking, and time is running out, and all of a sudden, there's a noise underneath me. Suddenly, there's a banging noise from a crate that has appeared at my feet. The crate opens, and out comes....Sean.

You know those scenes from shows when someone pops up in a cameo? Huge name in a hit show, and the fans freak out, and the studio audience cheers and the show gets delayed because of the applause? The opposite happened. Silence. And someone put on a sound effect on crickets. However, I figured that would all change once the announcer proclaimed over the PA:

"Oh my God!! It's.....SEAN FAVRE OF HELICOPTER DANCE-OFF!!!"

The cricket noises got louder. Sean looked confused to be there. I got frustrated and walked off the set, and walked down a flight of stairs, opened the door and was suddenly in my room at home. Because that's the layout in real life. Keith was playing video games on my TV, and I flipped out that he wasn't watching us on the Feud. I turned the game off and started flipping through channels, looking for a replay of my time on television(more like awesomevision) but could not find it. I was getting really annoyed, because despite the horrible finish, it was probably the best publicity we'd ever had. I turned around to tell Keith that I couldn't find the show, and when I did, there were suddenly 25 people in my room, drinking. It was a full blown SHINDIG. People getting drunk, dancing, singing, and seemingly having a great time in very cramped quarters. Sean came downstairs, and announced that I was not allowed back on Family Feud since I left before it was over, and I lost my chance at any money. I was annoyed, until a girl holding a beer said she had to show me something. She walked into my closet, but before I could follow her, she slid the door of my closet closed. I got depressed and drank a beer.

And then I woke up.

Ryan and a Fan Base

2010-02-13T16:12:00.011-05:00

It was during my junior year of college that I felt everything had fallen into place. I was involved in a bunch of different things, had an off campus apartment, made a ton of friends, had a job and I was 21. It was during my junior year that I was asked to co-host a trivia game show for our television station that would air throughout Philadelphia. Of course I said yes, and the reigns were handed over to me and my friend Stephanie.

We would have two weeks to prepare these shows, but we would spend 13 and a half days ruining every organ we could name. Then we would snap out of it the night before and get to business.

"Okay, we need categories!" Steph would say over the phone with a nervous giggle, feeling the heat of our deadline.

"What about a category on...things WE like?!"

"Done."

These shows would be themed, such as the Oscars show and the Harry Potter Show, and over the next 2 years, it became pretty popular. We ended up getting e-mails from people from other colleges who wanted to come and participate. We had graduates who wanted to be on the show. We then had high school kids e-mail us asking to be on. This was the life, I thought. Our faces are out there in the great city of Philadelphia and people want to be part of our show. We made it! AND THEY LOVE US! THEY REALLY LOVE US!

And yes, they loved us.

Some more than others....

I'm not sure how it began, but between my junior and senior year, a man from Philadelphia had found me on Facebook, and got my school e-mail. He was in his mid 20s, and had e-maield me something innocent. I didn't mind one bit. After all, it was FAN MAIL. I'm not sure how it evolved from e-mails to screen names, but it did. I remember raising a red flag wh

en this gentleman wrote me "Oh god, Ryan, I'm so scared. I think I may have an STD. I'm just waiting for the results and I'm SOOOO nervous." Four minutes later, he asked "get coffee with me?"

I said no. A clip played in my head where I get strangled and dead, stripped, and thrown i a dumpster somewhere.

A few days later, I received an e-mail. I opened it. A line was crossed. Nude photos glared back at me. Finally, it had happened. I was truly, 100% being harassed like a CELEBRITY! I was then tempted to give him my address, leave my apartment for a week, and return home to find all my underwear missing and my cat's head ripped off. "It could have been me," my newspaper quote would read. "All I keep thinking is...what would he have done if I WAS home?! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a cat to bury."

As you can guess, I never talked to that man again. And after telling my production manager about "the photos that get people sent to prison", we decided not to have outsiders on the show. But imagine the ratings if he WAS on. Still naked?! My mind raced. Surely by that point I would need a body guard.

Weeks went by with no word from the STD man and I carried on with my life. It was during some gay parade - or THE gay parade - in Philly that the delicious burden of stardom appeared once more. As i walked down the street, an empty beer in my hand, I heard "Ryan?" I knew what it was about. I don't know how, but I just knew - perhaps it was the tone. I turned to see a stranger staring at me. "You're the kid from tv!"

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Let me buy you a drink, kid!"

"Sur-"

"If you sign my ass..."

A pause. For those of you how know me, you may know that I will do anything for a free drink. Anything. So I was handed a pen, and he pulled his pants down a little and I signed my SECOND STALKERS right ass cheek. That's right. NUMBER 2.

As i look back on those years, now an old woman, I miss my stalker(s). But if I ever feel lonely, bitter, and old - I just type my name into youtube and find that one girl who taped herself doing "Ryan's opening" from his television show - the one where I roll out of bed. It makes me laugh, and reminds me of a simpler time, one where nude photos were a plus and signing someone's ass meant something. These memories bring a light to my face and when I look in the mirror I can say with utter confidence "Yeah...I'm just like Julia Roberts."

Memoirs of a Pussy

2010-02-10T22:59:00.002-05:00

In the midst of the world freezing over today, my family and I discovered one of my cats to be missing. Typically we don't think this to be a big deal cause they're outdoor cats, but since we now live in a frozen tundra we felt that its not a good idea to leave our pets outside to turn into little popsicles. We went on a hunt for our cat Lucy, and came to discover a faint meowing coming from my car. Turns out, she managed to climb underneath my car hood (yes they can do that). I'm guessing it was to protect herself from the snow, and I can only imagine what kind of thoughts were running through her teeny tiny brain.

Feb 10th (10:06am)

I've managed to find shelter from the falling sky. My fur is wet, and hope I am not in danger of hypothermia. I hope whatever is happening will end soon. I can only hope that my owners have found protection from this horrible apocalypse. For now I will just have to wait it out.

-Lucy

Feb 10th (11:30am)

The frigid white ash has not let up. It is piling up all around me, and I fear I may be buried inside my safe house. I have come to terms with the fact that my loved ones have all perished, as I was not there to protect them. If only I was there to show them a safe way out. But I can no longer blame myself. It's time for me to think about my own survival.

-Lucy

Feb 10th (12pm)

The dizzy spells have begun. I knew this was bound to happen. There is a lack of oxygen in here, and a potent aroma of gasoline. Odd. Food is very scarce. I've managed to find small bits of dirt in here, but it will not curb my immense hunger. I wish for nothing more than to leave what may now become my ironic coffin, but I dare not venture out. But nothing compares to the fact that I really need to relieve myself, and there is absolutely no kitty litter!

-Lucy

Feb 10th (3:47pm)

It's been a while since my last log. This will probably be my last. My body is ice cold, I'm on the brink of starvation, and my bladder may soon explode. I'm all alone in here. My only source of comfort are the long conversations I have with the dip stick...and he's more of a listener. Oh how I miss the days of sleeping on the couch for hours...running out to pee in the backyard...sleeping on the couch for hours...ahhh precious hours I did not truly appreciate until now. I'm probably the only one left on this Earth, and I'm so close to just ending it all right now.

I fear I may be going insane.

A confession.

2010-02-08T16:51:00.002-05:00

This afternoon I woke up and realized it was Monday after spending two days in my room playing xbox 360 for 24 hours straight. This is my cry for help.

Ryan, Turned Off

2010-02-05T19:24:00.002-05:00

Here are some quotes from Billy's favorite book, IN LOVE WITH A THUG by Reginald Hall.

"I sucked on his lips like a Hoover vacuum, tasting everything that he'd had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner." page 108.

"Darnell had never come close to what this n*gga was doing. I mean, Bryant's tongue was going up, down, and around inside my dookie cave. Now that's some fly sh*t." page 109.

"I grabbed his bubble butt...as if I was in charge. Now I knew the TRUE meaning of "a pancake ain't done until you flip it" or "a chicken ain't done unless you cook it on both sides"" page 191.

"...I mean, how many months was she?"

"Baby, she was 7 and a half months pregnant."

"I didn't know that people could still have abortions that late in their pregnancy"

"...it's more money"

- an exchange between Juan and Bryant, page 113.

"Father Charles was known for his fierce voguing" page 136.

"The field across the street, which was now a nursing home, was where I'd first played the game "Catch a Girl, Freak a Girl" page 174.

"I signed onto AOL and had over a hundred emails. Two were from Bryant. The rest were junk e-mails" page 176.

"I mean, there's no toilet paper in the bathroom anymore."

"Keisha, I'ma need you to calm your voice in MY salon" I stated firmly.

"Calm my voice, pussy, I'm mad as shit cause I'm still working here without gettin' paid and my jaw still hasn't been the same since that girl your boyfriend is f*cking punched me for no reason"

- a quarrel, page 179

"I'm gonna look for a cd to groove to while I'm tearing that ass up". I look at my cd collection and passed by TLC, India Arie, Chaka Khan...I closed my eyes and began to f*ck the sh*t out of him. I began thinking of all the things that a thug stood for". page 190

To read more, purchase a copy of your own or ask Billy for his. And for more by Reginald Hall, pick up his controversial book MEMOIRS: DELAWARE COUNTY PRISON.

Lizzie Misses the Classics

2010-02-03T14:48:00.002-05:00

Think back to when television was simple. When you could turn on Nickelodeon without the fear that your favorite show would not be on, because every show was awesome. Sadly times be a changing, and the shows we grew up with are now slowly fading into the shadows of yester-year. Let us bow our heads in remembrance and look back on all the good times with some of the more obscure shows...

Roundhouse

Forget "All That", this was THE sketch comedy show for kids. With set pieces made out of junk material, a house band, dance breaks, and a grandpa moving about in a motorized recliner, this show was the "In Living Color" of SNICK. I frown upon all who don't remember this classic...IT RAN FOR 4 SEASONS YA BASTARDS!

The Secret World of Alex Mack

Who doesn't find a show about a high school girl getting dowsed by harmful chemicals, only to find she has super powers, a bad idea for kids? Ummm...NO ONE! Alex Mack was freaking awesome. This girl had telekinesis, could shoot electricity from her fingers, and morph into a silver puddle. Her only drawback was when she got upset and turned bright yellow, and was constantly being hunted down by the CEO of the chemical plant. A fair trade in my book...especially for the silver puddle trick.

Wild and Crazy Kids

The best game show where no one won ANYTHING! It wasn't even really a game show. Kids would play three games an episode just for shits, and hope they didn't get severely hurt. Examples of these were giant slip n' slide relays, human battleship (when you were sunk, a bucket of an unidentifiable substance would be dumped on your head), and the safest of them all: sliding down a waterslide with a bucket on your head and a backpack filled with tomatoes strapped to your chest...i know...i know.

Space Cases

I was personally quite addicted to this show. It was like what LOST is to our generation now. A bunch of kids from every planet in the galaxy get lost in space and travel to unknown worlds. This was in some ways even better than Alex Mack because all the kids had certain powers depending on which planet they were from. It made kids really think that maybe, just maybe, there were kids that looked just like us living on Saturn...but with rainbow hair and super sonic screaming ability. well it made sense to me.

Weinerville

Big head...little bodies...inappropriate puppets...and a sweet ass Hanukkah special. Teaching children the clever catchphrase "I'm Boney, I'm Boney, leave me alone-y". Barney ain't got nothing on that shit!

I know you're YouTubing all of this right now....don't lie.

Billy vs. The Frozen Balls

2010-02-02T23:37:00.000-05:00

I spent my last two years of high school working at a pizza place where I developed all my horrific eating habits and stuffing my face with free pizza and soda every work day. That was the huge drawback to this job. The positives were my sweet minimum wage paycheck that allowed me to spend my weekends playing poker, buying Maxim magazines and eating McDonalds, and it helped me developed an enormous amount of respect for people in any form of the food industry. I feel sympathy for anyone that has to deal with food, or deal with people ordering food. It can be a horrendous experience as you work with impatient people that want their food a certain way. I felt similar sympathy for our waiter at a popular chain restaurant last weekend. I don't want to give away business for them, so let's just say the place was called "Thank Goodness It's Thursday"

My friend ordered their new meatball sandwich, and it came out fairly quick. In fact, all the service was really impressive that night for the most part. Until of course, my friend actually went to EAT the meatball sandwich, and discovered two things:

1) The meatball didn't taste like a traditional meatball. It tasted like something that had died a slow and painful death under a sink two years ago. It had a distinct texture of sand and tasted like a fungus of some kind. Flat out not edible.

2) The meatballs were straight up frozen on the inside.

Just rock hard. I do not get how that happens. I don't get how that gets served. Needless to say, my friend flagged the waiter down and explained the situation.

Now, whenever something went wrong at the pizza place, I would usually take the blame. Even if it wasn't my fault, it was an unspoken law that you just don't throw someone under the bus if they fucked up. The cooks have enough to worry about, and while it IS their fault, you've become the face of the place and it's your fault. That's just how things are. Until our waiter took a stand.

"Are you serious? I'm sorry, Our chef is just fucking terrible tonight."

Awkward silence for a few seconds. The waiter clearly realizes he has crossed the unspoken line, and we realize we can't jump on board the hate train, or it could lead to food with several kinds of personal chef liquids inside it. The waiter broke the silence and offered to get him a new meal on the house, which he did, and the meal went on without incident. We tipped the waiter fairly well, because we felt bad and we were impressed with his honestly, but it also taught us to never trust ice cold balls ever again.

Keith's Middle School Journal Entry #3

2010-02-01T18:17:00.001-05:00

As a child of two hard working parents I spent many afternoons and weekends with my Nanny. Incase you were wondering my parents were not rich that is what I lovingly refer to my grandmother as. Nanny loved TBS daytime cop dramas and after finding this latest middle school journal entry I realized how much it affected me.

February 18^th, 1993 3:30pm

Officer Briscoe and I have making our normal rounds in the neighborhood when we noticed a group of suspicious high school kids hanging out at the local convenience store. They smelled of smoke and spoke openly of how their leader would score them some good stuff soon. We double back to get a better look at the leader but they had left before we could get a good ID.

February 19^th, 1993 3:42pm

Office Briscoe and I sat outside of the store waiting for the group to return. Office Briscoe got impatient so we went called it a day and returned home.

February 20, 1993 4:15pm

A break in the case, as soon as Office Briscoe and I arrived on the scene a fight broke out between the leader and his second in command. No shots were fired but in the fight a soda was spilled on Office Briscoe’s coat. He was so mad, all he had to do was bare his teeth and the fight was over. Every one got out of there in a rush. It was a successful day.

February 23, 1993 3:24pm

I have spent the past three days in hiding because the leader of the gang knows where I live. It was a rookie mistake but I forgot to check behind me when I was walking home from school. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything turns out okay.

February 25, 1993 4:00pm

Office Briscoe was killed in the line of duty today. I arrived home from school to find my partner under a white blanket in the backyard. My parents wouldn’t go in to details but it was a hit and run by some careless high school students. We buried him behind the shed.

March 12, 1993 12:32

My parents surprised me with an early birthday gift! I got a new dog; I think I will name him D.A. Macoy. But don’t think this means I will forget Office Briscoe; he was the best Westie ever.

Benefit for Haiti

2010-01-30T14:03:00.003-05:00

Come join us for a Night of Improv Fun while we raise money for the earthquake victims of Haiti. We have pulled together students and friends from the local community to help entertain you while we help those in need. The devastation in Haiti will be an ongoing relief effort for many months and years to come as they rebuild their capital city and surrounding villages.

Recommended admission donation of $10

All proceeds raised from this event will go to Direct Relief International.
100% goes to help the people of Haiti.

Date:	Thursday, February 4, 2010
Time:	7:00pm - 10:00pm
Location:	Brookdale Performing Arts Center
Street:	765 Newman Springs Rd.
City/Town:	Lincroft, NJ

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=268672693346&ref=mf

Ryan, Living for Free

2010-01-29T16:15:00.003-05:00

I have a twin sister who lives in Virginia and an older brother who lives in Hoboken. It is just my younger brother and myself that live with my parents. Tim is 21 and will either call me for a ride home from the bar or insist on playing my xbox live at times when I just want to be left alone.

I also own two dogs. Mason, the Pitbull, has an insatiable appetite for cat shit and destroying everything my mother holds dear while Sadie, who is not unlike a small ape, likes to drool and climb on you, making her point known: YOU are the bitch here, not me. My father has an undying love for the dogs, mainly because they're the only people who respect him. He takes Sadie out for hamburgers at McDonald's and will sometimes call her "Party Girl". My father also claims to have seen the ghost of Jerry Garcia flying around in my backyard. Rather than be horrified, my dad simply said "It's gonna be a GREAT day!"

Last week, upon entering my house, my father was furious that I did not respond to his text message about dinner. He wanted to know if he should stop at "the market" and prepare me a meal before the Helicopter Dance Off Improv Spectacular.

"Dad, I didn't get a text message. Are you sure you sent it to me?"

"Yes! And A response would be nice".

Ever since my dad got a cell phone, he has become obsessed with texting. He texted my sister once saying "if you need me, I'm in the garage". My sister was home at the time. Not 15 feet away.

I never got his text. And because you're always wrong in my father's eyes, I decided to prove a point. About a half hour later, I decided to shoot my dad a text. His ringer went off.

My Mother: "Mike! You got a text!"

My Dad: (reading it) "Diabetes?"

My Mother: "What's it say?!"

My Father: (becoming panicked) "I don't know! It just says diabetes!!!"

MyMother: "Who's it from?"

My Father: "I don't know!"

I enjoy proving people wrong. It makes me feel valuable and smart even though I don't always know how to spell words or remember how to divide without using a calculator. So imagine the joy I got from proving that he didn't actually text me. I discovered that my dad deleted the last digit of my cell phone, so had been texting nobody this whole time. But I felt bad because I can only imagine him sitting at work, waiting for a reply like a girl waiting for a call from the boy she likes.

As I was leaving for the improv show, I watched my mother open the oven and say "lookin' good, meatloaf!" I decided to let this go, and threw my bag on.

"Hey Bread Man," my father said as he stood up, "Wham 'em, bam 'em, slam 'em, thank you ma'am 'em tonight!"

My mother nodded her head, trying to cut him off. "No, Mike, you say...'shine bright, Ry' ". Well, I could have just peed on myself because I was laughing so hard. My mother is sweet. And sometimes she's painfully sweet. And sometimes she talks to the meatloaf.

But I adore my parents, like my brother even though he feels more like a college roommate, and hate my dogs. But I live for free and have no complaints. Because when I'm in bed, enjoying the heat that I'm not paying for, I think about my odd little family and smile. And then I remember that Jerry Garcia is around here somewhere, and I hide under my sheets until I pass out.

Sweet...Sweet...Revenge

2010-01-28T17:59:00.004-05:00

News travels fast in our world. So remember that the next time you get your brother in trouble, he may decide to seek revenge for your petty tattle to Mom and Dad. As a word to the wise for being the tattler, make sure you don't have anything in written form that can be held against you. If so, you're just asking for someone to humiliate you where you may have to crawl in a hole and die, or in the words of Louis C.K., "I need a gun, an airplane ticket and bleach".

There are many naughty things that this girl Katie wanted to do, and to have done to her in her personalized Hook Up List. The world may not have known about it if she didn't rat out her brother Chris for having a twelve pack of beer in his room.

My favorite on this list is number seven. Brian- If he cuts his hair I might give him a blowjob.

Chris, I hope no one ever messes you for the damage you can cause. My hat is off to you my friend.

Katie, you're a bitch.

Twelve pack of beer, I hope you found a good home.

-Sean

Billy Vs. Popular Music

2010-01-26T19:54:00.002-05:00

I'm generally not a guy who watches much reality television or listens to music on Z100. It's just not my style music wise, and TV-wise it always seems just so staged and phony and scripted and it annoys me.

(That being said, Jersey Shore is a masterpiece.)

American Idol was a show that I always avoided, and still do for the most part, just because it's a competition show, which I generally hate, and it's to become a singer in a genre I never listen to. And it still is insanely staged and scripted. Obviously these three judges don't listen to 10,000 singers in 2 days. Other groups narrow down the 10,000 to a workable number, and even that number only has a handful of people with talent and the rest are WAAAAAAACKY people wearing WAAAAAACKY clothes being SAAAAAAAASY and WAAAAAAACKY and are delusional and scary and likely coaxed by producers to really play up their WAAAAAAACKINESS. My family got hooked into this Idol thing a few years back, and now watch religously. I'm in that group that is able to watch sometimes during the audition stage for comedy sake, but abandon the show once it turns serious. That's when it bores me. Seeing the really horrible acts try their song and get laughed off the stage is hysterical to me at first, but now the more I think about it, the more horrific it is. The terrible ones will sing, and sometimes the judges will fake being really into it, and singing along, and smiling, and basically raising the spirits of these people, only to burst into laughter when they eventually beg the singer to stop. It's a formula that's worked for years, and it's really all about how we love watching other people in misery. I'm one of them. Those losers with bad hair and two kids and no money and lots of dreams that get called "rubbish" in a pretentious accent crack me up. I started to think about other kinds of auditions that could end the same way.

Imagine being in a job interview, and you get asked a question and what you could bring to the company, and you give an answer that you think sounds professional, and the guy interviewing you is smiling and nodding and seems into it, and then you stop, and the guys laughs, and calls you names and kicks you out.

Imagine presenting a report at school, and the students and teacher watch you read this report you worked so hard on, and they see you sweating and freaking out, and when you're done, they start laughing, and pointing, and mocking your style, and your teacher wonders why you bother getting out of bed at all, because you're such a waste.

These scenarios crack me up, and just give me hope for America, and it's ability to laugh at those beneath us.

Keith's Top Seven Of The Week "Words to Pair with Mullet" (Not safe for work)

2010-01-25T14:01:00.005-05:00

This week, I have returned to the list format while I sort through my 500 page middle school journal. Often I enjoy using the word mullet in conjunction with another word to make a point or confuse an adversary. For instance, "Ryan, you look mullet good in those jeans." or "Billy, your mother is a mullet lover". I promise you that everyone in earshot will stop what they are doing and pay attention, mainly because they are trying to decide if they should call a doctor because they are hearing things. Just remember, while you have there attention you might try to say something worthwhile! Here is a list of seven exceptional mullet paired words that I have come across that you may use in every day life.

7) Mullet mud

6) Driver's side mullet

5) Platter mullet

4) Hobbit Mullet

3) McMullet

2) Cunt mullet

1) Guaca-mullet

Start peppering your conversations with them and tell me how things work out.

Ryan, A Charity Case

2010-01-23T13:52:00.002-05:00

As I sat in the empty food court, huddled behind my man purse, with a salami sandwich in my hands, a gentleman in a red and black polo walked over to me holding a tray.

"Hey man, what the HECK are you doing?"

"Eating...my lunch?"

I noticed that he had several "chik-fil-a" nuggets on his tray with thin tooth picks sticking out of them. He was the free sample guy. He looked at my pathetic sandwich and gave a semi-smirk.

"Hey man, you could be enjoying a delicious meal from "chik-fil-a" rather than eating that little old sandwich! Plus, the fries are amazing and you can get free refills on drinks!"

"Oh, I know, but I'm just trying to save money"

There was a moment of silence and it made me a little uncomfortable. "Move the sandwich off your bag". I picked up the sandwich and watched as he placed two nuggets on my ziploc bag. Then he placed two more. And then two more.

He shot me a smile, leaned in closer and almost whispered. "hey man, sorry bout that, I'm gonna come back around in a few minutes. If you're still hungry, I'll give you a few more."

"Oh wait, no, no, no I HAVE money - i just-!" But he was already gone, refilling his tray I'm sure.

So this man walked away thinking that i was just some random thin dude who ate his single sandwich in the food court of the monmouth mall everyday who drooled at the idea of a free chicken nugget sampler. Well I grabbed my purse and got the hell out of there and I don't plan on returning for at least 2 weeks!

Okay...maybe 3 days. Those free refills are worth all the shame in the world.

Cripple Con Thr33some

2010-01-21T16:01:00.003-05:00

From Jan. 15th to the 18th I attended a caricature art convention in San Antonio, TX called Cripple Con. This was the third installment of the con which bore the title Thr33some, this was actually my second year going and it lived up to all my expectations. This convention was put together by a few of my close friends as a no-holds-barred art party that said "fuck you" to any kind of censorship at conventions.

The activities consisted of a live contest called the Art Fight, where you battled against fellow artists with two minutes to draw your best interpretation of whatever subject you were given. Some of the suggestions were Cookies & Milk Orgy, Cum Pirate, and Meat Lollipop. The winner was chosen from a three part, three minute nerve wrecking spectacle on the last night of the con, where the prize was a karate trophy with an engraved message saying, "Art Fight Champion of the Fuckin' World!"

There were other awards given out, not only for artwork, but such superlatives as Creepiest of the Con and Worst of the Con. Those people deserved it! The Crip Creeper, as it was called, was a prize of a pair of previously worn men's briefs from my pal Jeremy.

All in all, I spent the weekend with all my drunk friends staying up to all hours of the morning drawing, cracking jokes, dance parties, heavy petting, and everything and anything a group of people with a "I don't give a fuck attitude" could do. We weren't anarchists, but we knew what we could do and what we couldn't do. No matter what anyone says, that Sunday night pool party was worth it!

I'll leave you with the most disgusting thing I have ever drawn. It was for the themed wall for a Threesome. This drawing is now in the possession of Ryan, who is thinking of putting it in a frame as we speak. In case you're having trouble seeing the picture. The headless horseman's head is blowing the dude who is getting railed by the black horse. It's disgusting I know, but this is how I spent my weekend.

I hope you will join me next year for Cripple Con Fourskin...Naturally. It's going to be a blast!

-Sean

Lizzie hates on Alaska

2010-01-21T01:54:00.005-05:00

So tonight I had a (completely unheated and casual) discussion with my (unfortunate and highly confused) republican friend. She claims that our lil ole go-getter Sarah Palin is a real smart cookie after reading her new book. She was also very adamant that Ms. Palin never said the phrase "I can see Russia from my house!" Now that may very well be true, but there are definitely some REAL quotes that proudly make her one of the dumbest people to ever grace the public eye....

"As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border."

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

"They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan."

"Absolutely not. I think that, if I were to give up and wave a white flag of surrender against some of the political shots that we've taken, that ... that would ... bring this whole ... I'm not doing this for naught."

"I would hope at least that those protesters have the courage and the honor of thanking our veterans for giving them the right to protest!"

"Well, let's see. There's -- of course -- in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings."

"They're our next door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska."

"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?"

"When I hear a statement like that coming from a woman candidate with any kind of perceived whine about that excess criticism, or maybe a sharper microscope put on her, I think, "Man, that doesn't do us any good, women in politics, or women in general, trying to progress this country."

Book burnings will be held in my backyard....

Billy Vs. The Fat Sandwich

2010-01-19T00:29:00.002-05:00

I'm 26 years old, and for roughly 25 years and 363 days of that, I've been obsessed with food, and generally not eating well at all. Maybe I shouldn't say obsessed with it, that makes it sound like I made an effort to not eat right, and that's not true, I just had no willpower. My willpower has been getting stronger recently, but every person can be weak once in a while. I would usually hit fast food places like they were necessary in my bloodstream and would go out to Chili's or Fridays like my money was literally burning a hole in my pocket. These days I'm being more sensible, but that still doesn't mean I am not interested in an eating challenge every so often. That being said, for the first time in my life, I discovered a challenge I had no interest in being a part of, and it was a challenge that I quite frankly can't even believe exists.

I'll just assume you've all heard of "fat sandwiches." Made famous at Rutgers, with imitations all over the place. In the Monmouth County area, we have Nellys, which has terrific fat sandwiches and pretty good cheese steak pizza as well. I've had the fat sandwiches every so often and quite frankly they're glorious. It's as if a drunk guy went into his kitchen, took out a sub roll, opened his cabinets, dumped the contents into the bread, popped the roll in the microwave, took it out and chowed down. There is no rhyme or reason to any of these sandwiches. Breakfast food? You bet! Burgers and steak? ABSOLUTELY. The kitchen sink and a bag of chips? Hell yes, it's called the Fat Funeral. Well, recently at Nelly's, someone got bored and some decided to go all out. Literally put all of their sandwich toppings in one sandwich. They call it the "Fat Drunk Guy." The contents, and I quote:

CheeseSteak
Gyro Meat
Meatballs
Cheeseburger
Bacon
Eggs
Mozzarella Sticks
Curly Fries
Onion Rings
Jalepeno Poppers
Lettuce(Ha!)
Tomatoes(Haha!)
Onions
Ketchup
Maybe And/Or BBQ Sauce

All on one sub roll.

It should be illegal. Quite frankly in some states I'm sure it is. But not in the glorious state that brought you The Situation it's not. That being said, this sandwich was not for me. I never had one. I didn't have the guts. But a friend of mine took the challenge, thinking he was man enough. The sandwich led to:

Heavy breathing
Loss of breath mid-sandwich
Strain in arm from HOLDING sandwich
Puking on 3 seperate occasions

If that doesn't make you hungry, I do not know what will.

The Notebook aka Stories from Keith's awkward years (high school)

2010-01-18T10:37:00.003-05:00

As I continued to leaf through my middle school journal a bunch of papers feel out on the floor. It was a couple of notes that I wrote to a girl that I had a crush on my freshman year of high school.

Dear Brittany,

Last Monday when you fell in the quad and I helped you up, you gave me a hug. Now, call me crazy but I felt a connection there maybe even a romantic spark. Would you like to go out sometime? By the way you said "Thank you Kenny" after the hug, my name is Keith.

Sincerely,

Keith

Hey Brittany,

I think you may have gotten my note confused with another note because when you walked right past me at the Fall Ball dance the other night. I was just shocked when I saw you dancing with that senior Kevin Rightmen on the dance floor. Maybe we can reschedule for another time. By the way, after the dance was over and I returned your purse that you forgot on the bleachers you said "Thank you Kenny", my name is Keith.

Yours,

Keith

Brittany,

Hope your weekend is going well, I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know that last night when you were in the Hot tub with that senior Kevin and you thought you saw someone watching you from the bushes. That was me returning your bike... my name is Kenny in case you forgot.

I love you,

Kenny

Good thing she will never read those notes...

Ryan and the Scream 4 Opening

2010-01-15T15:51:00.002-05:00

My dream role...

::RING RING RING RING RING::

Ryan: Hello?

Scream Guy: Hello.

Ryan:Who is this?

Scream Guy: Who is this?

Ryan: Oh my GOD! Is this Who wants to be a Mill-on-air?! D) AUSTRALIA!

Scream Guy: No! This isn't a game show. Besides, that was canceled like 7 years ago.

Ryan: Speaking of which, I think Ugly Betty might get canceled soon which is really sad because it started off so funny, ya know? My favorite character is Amanda -

Scream guy: Look, I don't give a fuck about Ugly Betty! I'm calling because I wanna play a game. You like games?

Ryan: I like catch phrase. But I don't like the Government category because I don't know anything -

Scream Guy: What's your favorite scary movie?

Ryan: Um....well, Paranormal Activity really hit home for me.

Scream: Are...are you sure it isn't something a little bit more classic? Like Halloween or Friday the 13th?

Ryan: I'm sorry, guy, I farted like 7 seconds ago and it fucking stinks in here.

Scream Guy: Who am I talking to?

Ryan: Well my name is Ryan, but since I got my haircut, I look like Jamie Lee Curtis. (sings) Activia!

Scream Guy: Well I wanna see what your insides look like, Ryan.

Ryan: God! You just reminded me - I've got a small tube of Vaseline in my murse and I wanted to take it out.

Scream Guy: Do you wanna die tonight?

Ryan: If you die, do your student loans go away? Cause if that's the case, take me home!

Scream guy: You...I don't think you're getting the point. I wanna kill you and spread your guts all over your living room.

Ryan: Well it's not like anyone would see it. I'm sure my two dogs and five cats would manage to clean it up before my mom and dad even got home. And yes I still live at home, ha ha, laugh it up.

Scream Guy: I - I think I'm gonna try another house.

Ryan: Hey, before you go, did you know Billy's mom swallows?

Scream Guy: Who the fuck is Bil-

Ryan: Later bater.

::CLICK::

A Funny Story (Part Conclusion)

2010-01-14T00:55:00.002-05:00

So we play the Today Show for Conan O'Brien's 10th anniversary, our vice-principal gets a photo with the Chippendale's dancers and off we go to head back to shining central New Jersey at 8 or 9am. I have been awake and kicking for over 24 hours now. I'm starting to feel the burn of my 17 year-old frame telling me to GO TO SLEEP! As this is going on my friend Sean talks in a very girlish voice about a new thing called "Yam Stepping". It is a very complex activity that deserves the right amount of time to understand and execute in a professional manner.

First, you have a "Stepper". The Stepper is a someone who wears a shoe of some sort, be it a sneaker or loafer, it is ultimately up to the likes of the situation. Then you have the people who are being "Stepped". The Stepped are people, only males, who allow a Stepper to step on their genitalia. Gross, I know, but worth it!

Sean decided to describe all of these situations, in his exaggerated girlish voice, of people getting stepped like nobody's business. One that I remember, which was my last known memory before falling into a mini-coma from exhaustion from a camel and Al Roker, was of a scene in a backyard with a pool. You get all the Stepped in an in-ground pool with a nice cement walkway around its perimeter, it has to be a nice day where the sun is shining, and they put their junk up on the cement ledge. Here is where the Stepper proceeds to get ready for his job. The Stepper has to run at a pace where every other Stepped can be stepped by one foot, then after the first round, the Stepper has to turn around and step the remaining odd Stepped with the other foot. This creates symmetry and delay for the second round awaiting their doom seeing the pure agony of the already Stepped!

So as Sean is finishing this up I am laughing so hard that as I'm going down with my laugh volume, which in turn Sean looks over to me. I am slowly letting my head smear and droop down the window next to me as I am having my body do a fade out like a volume knob on a Bing Crosby record. While this is happening Sean is watching the whole thing in astonishment. He cannot believe his eyes and watches me laugh myself to sleep.

Very shortly after my passing out, our bus comes to the Tick-Tock Diner in Clifton, NJ off of Rt. 3. I am awoken to a halting bus and Sean. He then informs me that he witnessed me laugh myself to sleep and couldn't believe it. I vaguely remember my volume going down and leaning over a little bit, but everything after that was a dream.

I am very proud to bring this story to you, as well as the few other friends that have heard this. So the next time you stay up for more than 24 hours and your good friend is telling a funny story, you just follow in my footsteps of laughing yourself to sleep. Be well and sleep the whole night through ladies and gentleman.

Yours Truly,
Sean Favre

Also, I found the video of the performance so you can see all of this. I am the first enormous bass drum with my pal Craig manning the end bass drum. What a memory!

Lizzie's Magical Mystery

2010-01-13T13:49:00.001-05:00

oooooooo.......maaaaagic.......

Bill's Example Calls

2010-01-12T21:46:00.003-05:00

I was wracking my brain trying to come up with a blog this week, trying to think of something funny to talk about, when I suddenly realized that sometimes I don't need to think of anything funny. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to have the funny come to me, and that's what been happening recently. Some calls I've made for work have yielded some strange people on the other side of the phone, and I thought I'd share some with you. (The name of my place is edited, because, well, they scare me)

Generally when I call people I'm following up on an event these possible customers may have come to, and I'm trying to sell people our product. I called one such guy last week and mentioned my company name, and the guy got very excited, and I thought I had a sale until he said what he THOUGHT was my company name:

"Oh yeah, COMBOS, I love Combos! Those things are great."

I got very confused, and realized that my company name sounds similar, so I corrected him, and all the life fell from his voice.

"Oh, right, you guys. Yeah, listen I gotta go." *Click*

This guy, thought a snack food company was calling him, for no good reason at all. I suppose it's every guy's dream in some way. I know that if the creator of Pretzel Flipz called me I'd probably have a coronary.

One guy I called immediately read right through any bullshit I was about to spew his way and cut me off:

"Listen buddy, I've heard this stuff 10,000 times. You're not gonna wow me, you're not gonna impress me. I signed up at your booth at that event because you were giving away yo-yos. I love yo-yo's. And I have no interest in what you're selling." *Click*

........WE SELL YO-YO'S!!!

We manage to get calls coming in as well. Sometimes we act as a basic receptionist transferring calls, and sometimes we get sales calls. We handle computer backup software but for large companies, and sometimes I guess people get mixed up thinking it's for their own personal use and not for their boss. A guy called yesterday in a panic. Keep in mind I thought he was talking about his own company, and his voice redefined the word fear:

"Hi. Listen. You gotta help me. It's gone. It's all gone. Everything. I lost everything. ALL MY STUFF HAS BEEN ERASED. I GOTTA FIND IT!! THAT STUFF GOES BACK YEARS!!!"

"Sure sir, no problem. Are you a current customer with us?"

"No."

"Ok, I need to take down some info."

So, I take down basic contact info, and then I go to the second section of questions, where I ask for the amount of data he needs protected or saved.

"Oh, I dunno. I mean, it goes back YEARS. Pictures from every summer, I know some of my old college essays. I had recipes too. And emails. I don't know what I'm gonna do.."

"Sir, is this just your personal computer?"

"Yes, it is."

"Ok, we focus on businesses. We don't sell our product for single personal computers."

"......Are you fucking with me right now?"

"No sir, unfortun-" *Click*

I love my job sometimes.

Ryan and the Final Rejection

2010-01-09T23:37:00.002-05:00

All the events God brings up in this imaginary conversation are true. He's a bitch like that.

God: Welcome, Ryan. As you know by now, you're dead.

Ryan: Oh my God!

God: What was that?

Ryan: I'm sorry. I just - this is just so shocking to me.

God: Yes...well, as you've heard, now is the time where I judge you based on the behavior in your life to see if you deserve to come to my awesome Heaven party.

Ryan: Okay. but I think we'll both end up agreeing that I was a good person who brought love into the heart of everyone I met.

With a snap of his fingers, a large book appears in his lap. He reads over it quickly.

God: I see here that when you purchased a large magnifying glass just so you could burn insects with it.

Ryan: Wow, that's in there? God, I'm sorry - but I was like 7. I'm sure tons of children have done that.

God: Perhaps. But not everyone used to poop on their neighbors lawn.

Ryan: Oh Jesus. That's embarrasing. Well, hey, their kids used to do it to us too! We figured if we pooped inside, we'd miss out on something during our games of make believe. You can see that, right?

God: You once put gum in your younger brother's hair. He cried when you cut it out.

Ryan: Sibling rivalries?

GOD: I wouldn't know. Have you ever stolen anything, Miss Barry?

Ryan: Heh. I'm actually a boy -

God: Yet you allowed your best friend to put you in a dress. That's a little...queer...isn't it?

Ryan: Okay fine! Once. A perfume for my sister. But it was for christmas! Money was tight.

GOD: I was actually talking about your grandparents alcohol. But now that you brought it up, what did you end up getting my son?

Ryan: I'm sorry?

God: Well Christmas IS his birthday. I don't recall you wishing him a prosperous 2009th birthday. Must not have heard you with all those dicks in your mouth.

Ryan: Hey! That's just not right -

God: I see you went to Catholic school your whole life, Mary. Learned lots of valuable lessons, I presume? Or were you too busy stealing birthday munchkins from one of Mrs. Donnelly's 4th graders?

Ryan: That was Shannon Merrigan's idea! I just went along with it.

God: And Mrs. Casey's brownies? You needed to steal them because...?

Ryan: Hey, man, she used to make me sing to her when everyone else was out at recess!

God: Because she wanted to give you the lead in the play, correct? She ended up doing so - and I believe that you ended up making up your own lines just to make your classmates laugh.

Ryan: You....uh...saw that?

God: Random question, sport. You ever watch porn in your neighbor's house when they weren't home?

Ryan: ...buh...

God: Your sophomore year of college you lined your roommates bed with gay porn. Explain.

Ryan: We thought it'd be funny.

GOD: And looky here. Your junior year of college you almost burned your apartment down because you put food in the oven and passed out. (pause) Twice. How classy.

Ryan: Yeah...uh...21 was a weird year.

GOD: How did it feel to tell that one girl in DC that she looked like Shrek? Or better yet, did you enjoy the fact that American Idol runner up Katharine McPhee overheard you say that she was "too famous to take pictures with fans"?

Ryan: Stop it! I can't listen to this anymore! I'm sorry, okay?! I'm sorry! I've done some wrong, sure, but I've grown up and I'm sorry!!!

GOD: (claps) And that's all I needed to hear.

Ryan: ...Huh? Seriously?!

God: Well, sort of. I needed to hear you apologize and....

Ryan: And what?

God: Katharine McPhee gets to take a poop on your chest.

Ryan: ....

I love Amy Sedaris. And goodnight!

A Funny Story (Part One)

2010-01-07T12:01:00.000-05:00

I am a big fan of storytelling, besides baseball, it is the other American past-time. A good story is timeless, evokes emotion, laughter and any other thing that ties someone to a memory of when something happened. We are all full of stories that we share with numerous people. With that being said, I would like to share my story of when my good friend Sean, yes you can be friends with someone who shares your name, made me laugh myself to sleep after our school's marching band played the Today Show in New York City.

As a member of the marching band I raped those bass drums, xylophones and other percussive instruments on a daily basis and I couldn't wait to show those talents to the world. Our band director was contacted by the likes of the Late Night with Conan O'Brien show asking if they could have a small group come to perform for his 10th anniversary on the Today show at 7am, very short notice. So it was a go and only the small amount of seniors were allowed to attend this. We had about one or two days to learn the music, which was a drum and bugle corp rendition of Conan's hit opening theme song. You're singing it in your head just like me at the moment.

The day before our journey we had school as usual. This starts my time of being awake to ultimately lead to my demise into a exhausted laugh myself to sleep, which was a icing-on-the-cake-moment in my life. I wake up at 6am and go to school till 2pm, then my regular high school afternoon thing of who knows what, then our marching band has a scheduled practice from 6pm to 9pm. Everyone in my senior class is feeling invincible, thinking nothing will kill our excitement. Then from 9pm to 4am a lot of us stay up and party at our friend Anthony's house before we have to be on a bus to go up to the city. I can't imagine being a parent having to wake up for his job in the middle of the week as a bunch of 17 year olds are yelling and screaming downstairs, but Anthony's parents we're some true sports only asking us to keep it down once at 2:30am.

The time finally comes, we load the bus and we're on our way to the Today show in NYC! Some of us sleep, show signs of exhaustion, but not me I'm roaring to go so I can rape my bass drum for Conan O'Brien! We arrive, we set up, we practice, take some pictures with Al Roker, and start to see the insanity of this function for Conan. We share a pretty big dressing room with some performers such as Chippendale's dancers with their ripped bodies, and the Masturbating Bear, which was just an Asian guy in there. As we get outside in the brisk city air we see the set up, get our assignment of what to do and then I see the live animals that are a part of this production, one in particular was a camel and I remember an ostrich or llama. I could be mistaken...

Tune in next week for the conclusion of how my good friend Sean, yes I said before you can be friend with someone who share your name, on exactly what made me laugh myself to sleep. Until then, be safe and get some rest.

Yours truly,
Sean Favre

Lizzie Finds Failure

2010-01-06T13:25:00.003-05:00

So I don't know if I'm the only person who doesn't know about this website, but I'm gonna talk about it anyway. It's called failbooking.com

Basically the website is intended to show just how stupid people are on facebook (Jay is jizzing his pants right now). People send in things they've seen on facebook, and it gets posted on the main page. There are things such as stupid statuses, stupid profiles, stupid pictures, and really stupid people who pose as Edward Cullen and act as if they are really him.

Here is an example (and one of my personal favorites):

True stupidity at it's finest.

I love America.

Billy and the 2010 Go-Getters

2010-01-05T21:45:00.003-05:00

Oh hey everyone. Yes, breathe a sigh of relief. I have returned to blogging. Ok, keep breathing and now read on. Let's pretend we've never left each other shall we?

It's cliched to make resolutions, in my opinion. Don't get me wrong; I think it's good to have goals, but I think the idea of making a list of goals on January 1st can be intimidating. I feel like it's a list that just stares me down all year long. Over the years, I used to make lists, and they had the usual hits on it. Eat a wider variety of cheeseburgers, spend more time experiencing television, don't tax your heart with work outs. And throughout the years, I have been able to make good on those promises. As time goes on, my lists have grown smaller as my desire to live beyond 30 grows higher, and I keep some goals to make my way through the year, but I don't put the pressure of: "THIS IS MY RESOLUTION" behind it. That being said, over the years I would always hear that people made that famous weight loss resolution, and I always imagined that the first few weeks of January would be absolute chaos at a gym. Luckily, I never worried myself with joining a gym or eating vegetables, so I didn't have a first hand account. However, in mid-2009 I joined the dark side and joined Work Out World, and I could experience New Years Chaos first hand, and in a way, it absolutely exists.

My first trip to the gym was on January 4th. The gym I go to has a group of regulars. A mix of some old men, some big macho guys, three housewives who love sitting on the elliptical reading US Weekly and one woman who I loved watching on American Gladiators when I was eight. I expected to see them all there on the 4th of January, and when I entered, they were in fact there, along with 20 strangers. Suddenly, here were all these strange people I didn't know, using my machines, drinking from my water fountain. WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?!? Work Out World must make $12 billion every January. That's an actual stat. I was worried, WHERE WOULD I DO MY WORKOUTS WHILE I WATCHED EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND RERUNS?! I mean, listen to my workout mix.

Today, January 5th, I entered the gym nervously, and discovered to my surprise, that the only people there were the tough guys, the circus freaks and the geezers. Clearly, the new people saw the writing on the wall of their own lives and realized sleeping was a better option. It's days like this that I appreciate America's love of laziness.

This blog's abrupt ending has been brought to you by my desire to sleep.

Keith's Blog 2010 (It's the future)

2010-01-04T18:09:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year, My Loyal Readers (read: Mom)!

I hope everybody had a wonderful holiday season full of friends, family and consumer goods. I apologize for being MIA for the past couple of weeks but I have returned! 2010 I will bring back my “Top Seven List” of the week along with excerpts from my middle school journal that I recently stumbled upon. This week I want to focus on to give you a couple of choice passages that focus on how I dressed as a sixth grader.

August 23, 1995

I just got back from visiting my grandparents in Florida! We spent the week on the beach and visiting theme parks. My favorite was Universal Studios, they had a giant section with nothing but Jurassic Park stuff in it. I bought 5 different Jurassic Park tee shirts even though my sister made fun of me. My mom was confused when I told her that I was almost done with my back to school shopping. I am so excited for the first week of school.

September 1, 1995

These last couple of days in summer have been super boring no one is around to see my awesome new tee shirts or talk about who got who for homeroom teachers. So I had my Dad drive me to the mall to try my shirts out on the public. Nobody talked to me.

September 7, 1995

It’s 3 days into the first week of school and no one has complemented me on my tee-shirts or the fact that I have matched 3 different tee-shirts to 3 different pairs of sweat pants that I own.

September 12, 1995

Today I ate my lunch in the nurse’s office. She told me her nephew loves Jurassic Park and he is 5.

Wow, I am surprised I made it out alive. See you next week.

Jay's Rejected Jimmy Fallon Jokes

2010-01-03T23:05:00.004-05:00

The following jokes were rejected from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon's monologue throughout December:

Yesterday NASA revealed the first-ever image showing liquid on another planet. After seeing it James Cameron was like, “…No, you guys got it wrong.”

President Obama surprised a group of children at a Boys and Girls Club in Washington, D.C. yesterday with a basket of cookies and a Christmas Story. 44% of the kids approved.

During his visit to a Boys and Girls Club in D.C. yesterday, Obama said, “Here’s the question: have you guys been good?” The kids were like, “Well if you polled our parents, we’d definitely have a higher rating than you.”

Listen to this - a new study says the global reindeer population has dropped 60 percent in the last three decades due to climate change. Which means no ones getting Christmas gifts; Blitzen can’t pull that fatty by himself.

Avatar opens tomorrow, and I read that it cost $500 million to make. I think it would’ve been cheaper to film on-location.

According to a new poll, 19% of people haven’t begun their Christmas shopping. Maybe if they stopped participating in new polls they could get it done.

We got 11 inches of Snow this weekend in New York. People built snowmen, had snowball fights, and Tiger Woods proved no two flakes are the same.

A 100-year-old grandmother in Brazil will become the world’s oldest skydiver on Christmas day. God willing.

A Lil Wayne concert in Texas was postponed this weekend after authorities found marijuana on one of his tour buses. The police would have searched the other busses, but after the first, their hands were way too interesting.

The Sausage McMuffin, a sausage burrito, a sausage biscuit, a small coffee, and a hash brown will be added to the McDonald’s dollar menu in January. They’ll also be added to the list of things Tiger Woods can afford if he keeps this up.

Electrolux just came out with a new vacuum with a built-in iPod doc and speakers – so you can listen to music while you clean. The only down side is that all your music sounds exactly like a vacuum cleaner.

Ryan on Day 2

2010-01-02T17:12:00.003-05:00

2010. Day 2.

I woke up this morning at 12:02pm after a night of polishing off a bottle of champagne by myself. Look at how pathetic I am. I thought by day 2, I would have kicked the stuff. Old habits die hard, I s'pose. Also, I'm not as regular as I thought I'd be by day 2. Today - well let's just say I had a few pebbles rather than a well lubricated loaf of shit. God. How could I have been so naive? Some may say that I set my goals too high in such a short amount of time. I say "go fuck your momma's double wide ass".

It's 5:24. I have not yet finished this comic book. I promised that this was gonna be the year I read more. Why isn't this happening?! Why can't I get through this book?!? MOST OF IT IS PICTURES! BIG ONES!!!

Maybe I'm too concerned with killing Andrew from the real world d.c. Remember the days when you had to be semi attractive to be on that show? And also had to....uh...be able to speak? But hey - not everyone is a lost cause on that show. There's one girl who is a "maybe lesbian" who grew up in a cult. Just like Lindsay Lohan.

Side note: I want to be on DJ AM's GONE TOO FAR season 2. If anyone knows how to make it happen, please hit up my e-mail at BILLYSmomEATSweiners@gmail.com. But that's not my resolution.

My resolution for 2010 is for everyone to be afraid of me. So if you ever see me walk into the dunkin donuts with my pocket knife out, it's not a mistake. it's because I want things done my way - that menas TOASTED bagel with VEGETABLE cream cheese, bitch. And I want it now.

Time to go work on my "Bad Romance" duet with Kory.

Guys and Dolls: The Ugly Truth

2009-12-30T13:45:00.002-05:00

Sooo, this morning I was in my car listening to the radio and the DJ was talking about these strange things called "real dolls". Now these dolls aren't your regular run of the mill sex dolls. They aren't blowup dolls...they are unfortunately so much more. These dolls are so lifelike that some men regard them as real people. These sad and lonely fellas create relationships with the dolls, and don't even use them primarily for sex, just for some kind of company in their lonely pathetic world. Now this may just sound sad and lame, but it is so much more sick and twisted than you can imagine. Just watch the first half of a documentary about these men who have fallen in love with their real dolls. Caution: you may want to throw up after the first 2 minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xrvbj2aRT1I

Sorry for the nightmares.

-Lizzie

Guess who is back ?!?!

2009-12-29T10:44:00.002-05:00

That's right ladies and gentlemen, Jay is back with upgrades !

Jay's Sunday Times

2009-12-27T22:44:00.004-05:00

Hello Balls!

As we all know, when celebrities go without plastic surgery for an extended period of time it's disgusting. So it's no surprise that The New York New Year’s Eve Crystal Ball is getting some work done. To ring in the New Year The Crystal Ball will be decorated with 300 Waterford crystal triangles.

"I almost thew up last year when I saw it drop" said The Globe on Atlas's Back. And who can blame him? Sex is everything. Last year, ratings were so low networks hired The Sphere from Sphere to sex things up.

Crystal Ball had a very successful surgery and is expected to drop some jaws this New Years Eve."Hell, I'd bone it now" said The Orb from Labyrinth graphically. It's sure to be a New Year's Eve to remember. After all, what can ring in the New Year better than a shape.

Jay - Associated Press

Moron Movies!

2009-12-23T13:35:00.002-05:00

So I don't know if anyone has seen these videos before, but I just discovered them and I'm in love with this crazy old man!

...

2009-12-19T23:15:00.002-05:00

I am just glad Sean grew out of that pirate phase.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

2009-12-19T10:51:00.002-05:00

I am just glad Ryan lost all that weight.

Lizzie's Smart Kitty

2009-12-16T15:51:00.002-05:00

See...cats get us!

Ryan Barry, Christmas Whore

2009-12-11T12:22:00.002-05:00

I enjoy Christmas so much, i gave my mother a gift already. Just a small candle holder, with the mountain pine tart. It has filled our home with that great christmas tree scent, and mom and dad aren't fighting as much anymore.

I have a slight crush on Christmas, so much that I decorated a christmas tree and wouldn't take the 60 dollars that was owed to me for a job well done. Doing things for the holidays don't require
money. The look on their faces was gift enough.

I'm in love with Christmas so much, I neglected to get ready for work at 5:00 am on Wednesday morning. Instead, I placed my sleepy cat under my personal christmas tree and had a photo shoot. I loved it! The kid that was locked out of the store because of me did not.

I fantasize about Christmas so much that I allowed Kory to stand out in the cold at work, awaiting my arrival, when in reality I wasn't on my way to pick him up. I was in my room, wrapping presents and watching ABCs new christmas special, PREPPED and LANDING.

I wanna fuck Christmas so hard that every night after work, I take a detour onto Galloping Hill road in middletown and glare at this one house because the house is so beautifully decorated. And if a cop should notice my routine check up and ask why i come here every night, I would say
"i'm certainly not thinking about burning this house down. It's not like I want to have the most beautiful house in middletown. I'm not threatened by this house. not one bit. I love it!" and then I would drive away with visions of flames in my head. I mean sugar plum fairies!

I wanna hold Christmas down and penetrate her against her will so badly that I haven't stopped shopping online at amazon.com for the past 3 weeks. I have no money to pay my loans. the only gift I have to give anyone is to slap my dick against my thigh and make an amusing slapping noise as it flails from side to side. Sure, Kory enjoys it, but WHAT ABOUT GRANDMA JEAN?! I'm exhausted. I've lost so much weight. I used to be 210 lbs. NOW LOOK AT ME! My mom says I stink, my cat won't look at me, my coworkers are showing up late because they've followed my example, Kory has frostbite dick, I stay up til 3am hoping that PREPPED and LANDING will come back on, and I have a strong urge for arson! All I wanna do now is pistol whip Christmas, throw her in my trunk, and drive my car off into the reservoir. SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO! FUCK YOU CHRISTMAS!

Happy holidays everybody!

What's My Age Again?

2009-12-10T11:26:00.003-05:00

So, as some of you have seen I recently got a haircut. Since I got bangs, people have been saying that it either makes me look younger or older. More specifically, I either look like I'm 7 years old or 46 years old. In reality I'm actually turning 23, but I would like to point out the pros and cons of looking 7 or 46.

7 years old:

PRO: I can play in the McDonald's Playplace and no one will think that I'm trying to kidnap their child.

CON: No one will approve of my excessive drinking problem.

PRO: I will be the coolest kid in the 3rd grade because I know the true purpose of a penis...and how to use it.

CON: The only people that will have sex with me are child rapists and Catholic priests.

PRO: two words....high metabolism.

CON: small tits.

46 years old:

PRO: I can drink, smoke, and rent a car without the judgment.

CON: I can't tell people one of my favorite movies is Mean Girls...or say "You go Glen Coco!"

PRO: I won't need a ride from my parents to go hang out with my friends.

CON: I will only have one friend...the other den mother who smells weird.

PRO: MILF status.

CON: saggy tits.

I really can't decide which is better. So I guess I should enjoy being 23 while gravity is still kind to my tits.

Love,
Lizzie

Ryan Barry, Assistant Manager

2009-12-05T14:06:00.003-05:00

I'm an assistant manager and over the past year and half, I've said some pretty outrageous things to the 17 year old boys and girls who work under me and the coworkers that work beside me. How HR has never been called is beyond me. Here's a list of why I deserve a promotion to Store Manager and beyond:

"So Rachael, what happened AFTER your dad hit your mom?"

"Hi I'm the new manager, Ryan. Now take off your top and dance."

"Greysha, two men are here from deportation and they're taking you away"

"Don't throw that cardboard box out! That's Mariah's house!"

"Okay everyone, let's gather around and say one thing we hate about Alicia" (as Alicia is standing right next to me)

"Hey, who's the new guy?" (as I look to our new FEMALE full time stock)

(as I'm being instructed by my boss on how to position the mannequins)
BOSS: So the girl form bases should touch or "kiss" and the boys shouldn't
ME: I disagree with that

"I wish this scanner gun had real bullets"

"Ryan, what's the significance of 1892?"
"It's the year my mother was founded"

"I think when I go to college I wanna be a lawyer. I think I'm good at convincing people"
"Well you haven't convinced me that you're straight yet, so..."

Ryan: "Hey Marisa, you have a boyfriend?"
Marisa: "No"
Ryan: "See Zak, all you had to do was ask."
Zak: "Fuck you"

Ryan: (joking) Did you hear the Perkins burned down?
Alicia: "Oh my god! I have to call my mom!"
Raleigh: "That sucks! All my memories in high school took place at the Perkins"
Ryan: "All my memories took place in my principal's van"

"Hey did you guys hear that Brandon thinks his teacher is hot?"
"Where does he go to high school?"
"He's home schooled..."

if you need a job, we're hiring seasonal help. Ask for Ryan. He's a babe.

HDO Blog Post #198

2009-12-04T14:14:00.005-05:00

Jay showed Keith and I this video the other day. I am now sharing this video with you, for your enjoyment.

-Sean

Sean wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T14:33:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! With that being said I included a quick family video from our film vault to share with you all. Be safe and have a wonderful holiday with your family.

I'm still in Halloween mode I think.

Billy's Random Behavior Rant

2009-11-24T23:18:00.004-05:00

It worries me that as time goes on I'm getting grumpier and grumpier and noticing more social flaws in people that annoy the hell out of me. I'm certainly not naive enough to think that I behave perfectly in all social situations, but there are things I see on a daily basis that just drive me crazy. I don't get why people act like this, and I don't get why more people don't say something to their face. Granted, I'm being a hypocrite by not saying something and just writing about it. But, you people know who you are. I sense this is going to be an ongoing series. Here is the first edition.

Conversation Teasers

I do not get these people. Let me explain what I mean. Maybe you're face to face with someone, maybe you're on the phone, maybe you're texting, maybe you're IM'ing, maybe you're greeting a person. Regardless of the way you're communicating with someone, I feel like there are certain ways you do and do not start a conversation. Generally, you start with a greeting. The convo moves on from there. If something surprising or worth telling happens during this time that you want to share, generally what I do is start telling the story right away, because I'm already WITH the person, so why all the unnecessary hype and setup? You're not a showman. You're not a master storyteller. You're just a person, and you don't need to tell your stories like you're a TV promo.

If I'm in the middle of an instant message and you've had a strange experience, it doesn't help me if you just type: "Wow." I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not in the room with you. I didn't experience what you just experienced. It seems like you saying "Wow." is just a segueway so I have to go......."WHAT IS IT?!?!?!? WHAT HAS CAUSED YOU TO EXCLAIM SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!?!" and then YOU say, "Oh, so glad you asked......" yada yada yada and the story is probably boring anyway.

If you call me, and instead of opening with "Hello" you say, "Well, THAT was interesting.", do you not realize that I do not know what the "that" is that you're referring to. Why can't you just tell me. If anything, you're spoiling the story because I'm expecting something crazy to happen at some point because of your setup. You've taken away the element of surprise and added an element of self-important I'VE GOT A STORRYYYY TO TELLLLLLL. It hurts.

Therefore, dear readers, if you have something to tell me, just tell me. I promise I'll be all ears. You don't have to sell me on it before hand. I have faith in you for talking about interesting things. If I didn't, I wouldn't talk to you. I don't have time for BORING people.

Ryan and the Rave Reference

2009-11-20T23:18:00.002-05:00

I got a call today during work, and a man from DKNY wanted to talk to me.

"Brittany Jones used you as a reference, and I just had some questions for you."

(who the hell are you talking about?)
Of course, of course.

"Okay great. When did Brittany work with you?"

(fuck if I know)
The summer...

"And her reason for leaving?"

(Oh Jesus. Rabies?)
School...Pretty sure it was school.

"And how was her customer service?"

(I can't even remember if this girl had hands, you expect me to remember if she had good customer service?)
She was always so great with people! She always met our standards and took control on the floor and had a great understanding of how big customer service means to the company.

"And would you hire her back?"

(Well since she shares the same name as Miss Spears...)
Absolutely! Without a doubt.

"Thank you so much for your time, Ryan"

(I could really go for some buffalo chicken pizza)
No problem.

(TEN MINUTES LATER)

::Ring Ring::

Hey Sara, it's Ryan. Do you remember working with a girl named Brittany Jones?

Sounds familiar. I think she was Daedra's friend.

(FUCK,MY.LIFE.)
Oh my god -
(That bitch!)
I just gave that girl the best reference ever!
(mother fucker! That girl never showed up! Plus she sucked)

Moral of this Story: Ryan giveth and Ryan taketh away. Ryan just may not remember who you are and will lie in a state of panic and confusion.

Happy 21st Carson. You're my special boy.

Lizzie's Snuggie Nightmare

2009-11-18T12:32:00.000-05:00

(girl sitting on couch wearing a Snuggie and reading a book. roommate walks in.)

GIRL: Hey Nancy how was the mall?

ROOMMATE: Oh it was...Oh my God! Jenna, what's happened to you!? You're completely backwards!!

GIRL: What? What are you talking about?

ROOMMATE: How did this happen? Did you wake up like this or did someone do this to you? Are you in pain!?

GIRL: Listen I really don't underst-Ohhh, I get it. No, it's just my Snuggie. It's like a backwards robe. See look, it even has sleeves so I can read my book.

ROOMMATE: How did this enchanted robe turn you into this horrible freak show? As God as my witness, I will find the demon that has bewitched your poor forsaken body!!!

GIRL: No really Nancy, it's okay. I feel fine.

ROOMMATE: This is worse than I thought. Your twisted head has caused you lack of oxygen. You can't even think straight! I'm calling the police!

GIRL: Oh jeez, that's really unnecessary!

ROOMMATE: Okay, the cops will be here shortly. Just try to hang on for me Jenna! I love you!!

(policeman enters the room)

POLICEMAN: There was a report of an enchanted robe?

ROOMMATE: She's over here officer!

(policeman takes out gun and riddles girl with bullets)

ROOMMATE: Why God Whyyyyy!!!?

POLICEMAN: I'm sorry miss. But there's been an epidemic of these evil Snuggies across the country. We have to contain and obliterate them before they take over the world.

ROOMMATE: Oh...well I guess that makes sense.

THE END.

Billy's Favorite Season Is Coming Up

2009-11-17T23:25:00.000-05:00

Ohhhhhhhhh man, boys and girls. It's almost that time of year once again. I'm not here to rip on any other holidays or put down other people's favorite times of year, but MY personal favorite time of year is fast approaching.

Cut to Charlie Brown and Company singing around an ice skating rink.

CHRISTMAS TIIIIIIIIIIIIIME, IS HEEEEEEEEEERE.

That's right folks. Christmas time.

The Christmas specials. The Christmas cookies. The Christmas TV specials. The Christmas music. The Christmas decorations. And most importantly. The Christmas music. A full month of nothing but all your old classic Christmas songs. You know you love them. And some of you hate them. But deep down you love them. If you reply that you hate them, that just means you love them even harder. These are facts.

My only complaint, despite loving the time of year, is how messed up the schedules get. Even I think there is such a thing as Christmas overkill, and when you have all the Christmas movies out a week after Halloween, and the commercials out the same time, and the stores are decorated mid-October, it kinda loses its feel doesn't it? I mean, I know all of you want MORE MORE MORE Christmas, but people, we have to be reasonable. I don't need Christmas Carol this early, I don't want to hear about Holly Jolly seasons, or decking any halls. This is the time of year to prepare for turkey, and stuffing, and more turkey, and some football if you're so inclined.

Here's what I propose. I want you all to do me a favor. For the good of Jesus, and Santa, and Bing Crosby songs, and snow, and Garfield Christmas, and Lights and Display Contests, and Harry Bailey, and Drunk Santas at the Macy's Parade, let's try and spend the next week not focusing on the Christmas season. Let's go on hunger strikers, distract our minds with thoughts of food, but still deprive ourself the nurishment we need, and then on Thanksgiving, let's each eat 20 pounds of turkey and cranberry, and then spend 6 hours in the bathroom, singing Jingle Bells and getting in the season together.

I literally mean together. Let's share a toilet.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Keith's Top Seven of Mystery "November is full of this s#!*"

2009-11-16T17:32:00.001-05:00

So I just finished reading Dan Brown's newest book "The Lost Symbol" and was inspired to develop a masonic treasure hunt for your enjoyment. Below is a list of seven clues that you must decipher. Once you have deciphered the clues it will lead you to a cave of mystery where you must complete five challenges before winning the treasure. God speed, my lil'sleuths.

7) Star Wars

6) Macaroni and Cheese

5) The number 15

4) Fiction

3) Body Hair

2) Keyboard

1) John Fogerty

I am a free mason by the way.

Ryan in Da Gym

2009-11-13T14:57:00.003-05:00

You can get carded for purchasing Nyquil now. Did you know that? Well, you can. I don't exactly know when that started happening, but apparently it's all the rage.

So, as Thanksgiving approaches and we make lists of what we are all thankful for - like the new Lady Gaga music video - I took a good look at my life and decided that there is nothing I am more thankful for than to be done with high school.

After watching a MADE episode, all i could think was "someone should go back to high schools all over the country and tell people it gets better". I went to an all boys high school where my twin sister was more popular than I was. Even with my teachers. One of the Brothers gave out "clues" we had to remember so that if he ever had trouble remembering our name, we would reveal the clue. Mine was "Katie".

The worst part was gym. I had a hard time recalling what it was like my first two years, but in junior year we had the option of playing a sport with the rest of the class or "working out". I chose to go into the gym and pump iron. and By pump iron I mean run on the treadmill for 45 minutes because I couldn't figure out how to work the other machines. But I do remember looking over and seeing my one friend Sanjay riding on the bike. He was at the top of our class, and clearly we shared the same genius for staying out of the way of the muscular kids. As far as they were concerned, we were just bulking up so we could join in on the fun of throwin the old pig skin around.

I now have a WOW memebership and have had said membership for two years. I have gone three times. The last time I was there, working on my abs, my keys, phone, and wallet all fell out of my gym shorts. Why were they in my pockets and not in a locker? I hate looking like I'm lost, so rather than walk around aimlessly - I figured I could just hang on to it - and jingle every time I ran.

Speaking of looking like an idiot - I bought the P90X dvds, you know the ones that have you do the chest, arms, stomach, legs, kenpo, and yoga? You do it for 90 days and get ripped. I did it for a week. i was bored with yoga on the 6th day so i decided to do my chest again. the tapes are only an hour long and I was generous with my water breaks. As I geared up to finish up my workout, my body decided it would rather vomit up all the water I just drank. It was still cold. and I vomitted into a Hollister bag. I don't think I've ever felt more pathetic.

Well that's not true. one time I woke up naked, covered in thrown up chines food. That was the most pathetic moment of my life.

Definitely.

Well, so...I guess I'm thankful that I have nice friends who don't judge me despite all of my stupid undertakings.

Right guys?

Guys?

Anyone?

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH!!!

Sean's Formal Plea to Webster's Dictionary

2009-11-12T23:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Webster's Dictionary,

I have been a big fan of your dictionary since I first started to use you in my early years of school. I think you are great to have on any bookshelf anywhere and everywhere. You are intelligent, fun, smart and just waiting to share all you got with a special someone. That is the reason why I'm writing to you. So that I can help share a word that I want you to share in your dictionary. I have included a meaning with this word that everyone should know how to use, execute correctly, and have it as a part of their everyday vocabulary. That word is...

Punchfuck (adj./noun/!!!)
1. The act of fucking someone (male and/or female) with your fist in a forceful punch-like fashion.
2. The after effects of drinking spiked punch at a social gathering that normally leads to hysterical weeping.

"I just had the best punchfuck of my life!"
"How's about we go to the dance, knock back a few, and cap off the evening with a nice punchfuck?"
"Ohhhhhh punchfuck the fuck out of me!!!"

So there we have it, Webster's Dictionary. I hope this proposal is not too harsh for your taste. This is an important word that needs to be circulated around the globe for all people. Without this word being included in your dictionary the thought of all the people executing this incorrectly could lead to horrifying consequences.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Thank you,
Sean Favre

Lizzie's Pursuit of Happiness

2009-11-11T15:37:00.002-05:00

I have no words except "that's what I call a close encounter!"

Pearl and the Beard - Will Smith Medley from Goddamn Cobras Collective on Vimeo.

Billy Once Again, Easy To Please

2009-11-10T19:11:00.000-05:00

Anyone that knows me know that I love television. It's obscene the amount of shows I watch. I'm doing the count right now in my head as I type this, but I watch 15 shows on a weekly basis. Sick, right? Sad, right? Well, who cares. Some people read, some people sleep, some people enjoy the sunshine. I enjoy television. I love it. And so when videos show up that parody other shows, of course I'm gonna see them. Seth McFarlane is known for making shows with very similar casts of characters, and he is belittled for that. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is. Are we really looking to Seth McFarlane to challenge our minds and change what we think television can be? Or are we looking to him for funny cutaways and random pop culture references? If your answer was the former, I think you're watching TV wrong. If it's the latter, enjoy this parody video, and laugh as hard as you would at one of our shows.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Keith's Top One for Ryan (Japanese People make things much better)

2009-11-09T18:52:00.001-05:00

Ryan Recalls

2009-11-07T12:46:00.002-05:00

It's Saturday and I'm dreading going to work. Last night I stayed in and watched the Hannah Montana movie. If only I could go back to the days when my evening were full of adventures and booze and no responsibility. Yesterday, while massaging Keith, I recalled a great tale from years ago and it goes a little something like this...

In my apartment, the beer flowed like wine, and the wine flowed from a box. We decided to order chinese food from...the Lion King. No joke.

Our food arrived a half hour after we placed the order and I ran down to go get it. As I was paying the man, he looked to my building and asked if there was a party going on. I said yes.

"Are dere lots of women at party?" he asked.

"Sure" I shrugged.

"Dere....boys at the party?"

"Yes" I responded.

"You like boys?" At this point, my "yeahbuwha?" meter went off, but since I my brain was drenched in beer, I couldn't respond fast enough. The man looked to me and lifted my shirt up, poking my stomach. "I like boys". My hands were tied up with all this delicious food - delicious food that was tainted with the impure motives of this delivery man/rapist.

After navigating away from the convo, I had to tip him still - I just wish he knew it wasn't for the belly poke. However, he was mislead.

About an hour later, Delivery Boy called my cell phone, but my friend Lauren quickly took care of the situation. "Look, we didn't order any more food - so please don't call here".

Too late, Lauren.. it was too late. Someone went out to smoke and I heard chitter chatter. As I peeked out of the door, Delivery Boy was standing at the end of the hallway, staring right at me. My face dropped. My balls dropped. Kelly Clarkson dropped her manager. Delivery Boy hauled ass down the stairs and was off.

I think we even called the police, and in the dark streets of Philadelphia I now see why they drove passed my apartment building without giving us a second glance. They have bigger fish to fry than the Lion King Poker.

But I can recall sleeping uneasy that night, expecting to find that Chinese Man standing over me.

Looking back, I actually don't mind staying safe and sound in my parents house, completely sober, watching disney movies. I take back my previous statement. College is dangerous. and beer is dangerous. and chinese food is dangerous. GOD! what a waste of time and money!!!

If only I knew what i know now....

Until next time, go enjoy your mom's meatloaf and let your dad's moustache tickle you as he kisses you goodnight. happy november!

Sean Has No Regrets

2009-11-06T01:16:00.011-05:00

Some of you may know about the book No Regrets.

It's a compilation of the worst tattoos that people have gotten so everyone can see how much of an ass they are for getting their horrible idea embedded into their first couple of layers of skin. Not only do people make poor choices that can easily be forgotten in a matter of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years but some special people make mistakes that are stamped on them for the rest of their lives.

With that being said, I wanted to share with you some of the worst tattoos that I would include in the next edition of No Regrets, if I were making it.

If you're going to get any kind of words put on you, you might want to double check how to spell "Tragedy".Tiger Woods would be proud but your mother will most likely kick you out of the house. She probably wouldn't care if you got your girlfriend pregnant, but to get corporate advertising on your body on your own freewill will make her think that she raised you better than that.Vanilla Ice is so 1991...oh wait this is Mr. Cool ICE. You never heard of him either?
I don't see any problem with this tattoo actually. I think it's beautifully done in a fantasy kind of way that you know will never happen...or will it?
I think I'm convinced that this dragon penis tattoo was the defining factor to make the website for bad-dragon.com. Just check out what Keith wrote about it awhile ago in our blog.

So that's it for the worst tattoos according to me, Sean the tattoo critic. So next time you think you have a great idea for a tattoo make sure you take a look at some tattoos other people have and double check any spelling or if that image will make sense 5 or 25 years down the line.

-Sean

Lizzie's Fashion Freakshow

2009-11-04T18:29:00.008-05:00

So being the only girl in Helicopter Dance Off, I have no choice but to do a segment on fashion. I lerve (yes lerve) clothes and i basically just wear whatever I want. I do admit that sometimes my style can get a little out of sorts, but nothing compares to these atrocities......

This is extremely frightening...it's like jewelry for people who don't want to make out at parties with random people.

I was not aware that slinkies were back in style...

It's not her fault...she got injured back in Nam and now she always thinks she's upside down...and has one foot....

I love our country......

WOOF!!!

Welp that's about all I can stand to look at. See you on the runway kittens!

Billy's Concert Rules

2009-11-03T16:09:00.000-05:00

I know there are lots of people who make a living going to concerts. They love the atmosphere and they love just losing their minds and letting loose while listening to their favorite bands. There can be a lot of enjoyment in doing that, and I've done it myself. However, as time goes on, I start to look at shows differently and realize what I was looking for in shows has changed. Certain people I know strive to avoid at shows, because it seems like they're being "RIDICULOUS" for the sake of being WACKY. They might as well be wearing shirts that say: "Please for the love of God, look at me and think I'm crazy. That's all I want. I want to be someone's story later."

These people are very easy to spot, and should be avoided. Here are some rules on who to avoid and what to do and not do at shows.

Avoid mosh pits. I do not get the appeal here. Ok, that's not entirely true. Sometimes you just need to let loose and relieve some stress and crash into some people. We all do. But these pits seems to be getting more violent and are not enjoyable. It's so bad that some people seemingly are forced into the position of "Security" and they stand on the outskirts, pushing people away from them and making sure the wackos don't spill over into the sane people. I gotta believe that's not the reason those people bought tickets to a show.
Crowd surfers. Maybe I'm just biased because I'm a bigger guy and can't really pull it off, but this just seems incredibly risky. Especially if you're a girl. Or have anything in your pockets. Or both. *wink*
Cellphones = New lighters. People actually send texts during shows? And film stuff on their cameras? Has that footage ever sounded good, filmed in a crowded room, next to a speaker? Morons.
The people that "fall" into you and conveniently wind up in front of you. We get what you're doing, and you're not clever.
I go to shows to sing along and have fun, not feel like I'm in a boxing match. I didn't go to prove my toughness or how much of a badass I am. I know I'm not and I'm comfortable with that. And I know YOU'RE not, and you've yet to come to that realization. No one thinks you're cool.

Except your parents. They think you're great, and they don't get why the girls have not come around to that fact yet. But keep being tough at concerts. It's bound to work.

Keith's Top Seven of the Week "I don't get Twilight or Fake Vaginas" (As soon as you see the picture you will get the connection)

2009-11-02T18:34:00.003-05:00

There are two things in this world that absolutely mystify me; fake vaginas and the Twilight book series. They are both shitty versions of something awesome so why wouldn't you just spend a little extra time and money to get the real thing in both instances.

7) Fake vaginas just sad.

I have a lot of sad friends that live with their parents, play MMORPGs, collect action figures, have extensive porn collections and sleep in capes but none of them own a fake vagina.

6) The vampires in the Twilight series are not vampires

Count Chocula is more of a vampire then Edward Cullen.

5) Why don't we combine a successful teenage novel with an adult sexual novelty.

Are we just going to invite pedophiles over for dinner now?

4)Pain

The TEETH!

3)Vampires like blood

They are looking to drink from there, it would be like water fountain fake vagina for humans.

2) The vampires in the Twilight book are men.

Sorry Ryan.

1) The vampires in the Twilight books are high school men.

Nobody seems to understand how wrong these things are...